My Journal

le decisioni

A couple of days ago I found myself here at my new desktop with this amazing view of some distant mountains of my homewtown writing about things that were being accumulated in my mind and that I couldn't seem to organize until I could put them all somewhere visible. So here I am now again trying to put those thoughts somewhere visible where I can see them clear and now what the next steps are.

Todays wasn't exactly a very amicable day. I woke up with an answer I had been waiting for a while, and since yesterday I had this premonition it wouldn't make me smile at all. So waking up and having to cry for two hours straight I dare say it's not the best way of starting a day. But maybe I needed to have these tempting and confusing days so that the bright and succesful ones come. Clean the room, to leave space for more and quality. 

As I went up and down my room feeling incredibly overwhelmed, I read the last tarot mom had made for me. I wrote everything down since I am very terribly bad at remembering what she reads and senses, and what I should be taking in mind for the coming times. So I read and then found out that almost everything was happening already. I could say 80% of the reading, but anything in especific: the love part. I remember someone, maybe Cordelia or Triple Tarot told me I would be receiving schocking news... and I did, today. But the other part where someone was supposed to declare his love and be ready for everything... that especial and most wanted part didn't naturally happen. I say naturally because that sounded much more like a Bronte's or Austen's novel than reality. And it a very raw truth.

I basically found out that older men are actually quite complicated, much more than I thought. And I wouldn't like to fall in love again with one of them. The person I need needs to be ready to do anything that has to be done. From crazy to sensible action. And this one... is very sad. I mean sad, because even if does love me, he's not ready to jump out of his comfort zone... not even for me. And it's kind of insulting not merely because of that, but because he's putting certain people over me... over everything I was ready to give him... and that is insulting and hurtful and horrible in every way. All the love I have only deserves one who's also ready to sacrifice some things and that's ready to risk aspects and fight for it. But if that someone doesn't even move a finger... if that person only gives and gives constantly excuses... very poor excuses for the seriousness of this matter... that only could mean he's not the one, and that he doesn't deserve my attention at all.

I know it won't be easy to get over him. The fact that early this morning I cried like a child only shows how much I wanted him and love him. But at least I know the other 80% shows me an amazing view, and I couldn't be more excited to get started with it at the very minute. I was willing to do so much, to fight so much, to avoid so much, to reject so much, to go through so much, I am now the saw passionate for not giving anymore at all to those who don't deserve it. And even if it hurts in so many levels, I am very surprised right now for I feel very calm, which is insane if you ask me. It is and ought to be since I felt one of the most horrible feelings and dissappointments this very morning. But I feel so calm... and I kind of feel like floating in some kind of strange dream, where all that was only a terrible nightmare and that I had finally to wake up and apparently I did.

Yesterday was a very horrible day. It saddens me I couldn't enjoy it that much since it was supposed to be a nice one. But I was the whole day inmensely anxious and couldn't think reasonable and couldn't focus that much, and felt as if something was going to burst out of my chest. And even after having arrived, even in bed I was feeling this, and couldn't bear it anymore. That's why I say I knew this was coming and it was inevitable. And it is. And it happened indeed. But I think the reason I feel somehow relieved is merely because I now know I won't be spending those horrifying desperate moments where I wouldn't know exactly what exactly was to be done. Yesterday was horrid, and that's why starting from that answer today was enjoyable and laughable and easy... and that's why today I didn't have to worry if I should be making moments and memories now or be working... and that's why today it seems that it'll get much more easier than I thought, and that finally I may be able to put myself on the very first place before love. 

Today seems to be like a very strange day... full of so many things... but for me it is one of the finest of the week. I feel so calm.