to the limit [{spencer x reader}]

chapter 11: let it go

after you all got home from the case you guys got two days off to 'recuperate' or something like that. the night at joe's was pretty normal for you, but no one on your team has seen you like that. you never really thought your actions were weird because that's the way you cope. you have trust issues so you never open up to anyone so all your emotions are kept deep down. you never really processed your emotions in sad and serious situations because you didn't know how to. you couldn't cry for some odd reason so all of those emotions come out in anger or laughter.

the team hasn't reached out to you since you left which was good because you couldn't handle their questions. you were just sitting in your bed staring at a wall, fiddling with your fingers. it has been almost 2 hours since you got back home from Seattle and you needed to feel some type of closure about derek's death so you did exactly what you did with the other deaths.

you got your keys and purse and were out the door. you drove to a tattoo shop and told the guy what you wanted and where you wanted it. everytime someone died who was important to you, you put their initials on the side of your ribs. you didn't get any tattoos without meanings so you didn't have many. you had gotten a semicolon on your wrists after your mother killed herself. she was the first persons entails you put on yourself. it went in order from your mom, george o'malley, charles percy, mary portman, lexie grey, mark sloan, and now derek shepherd. you weren't really close with percy or mary but you guys were in the shooting together so after they died you had to get it.

you ended up getting derek's initials under everyone else's, and dereks saying "its a beautiful day to save lives" written on the side of your pointer finger.

...

you had just started with your paperwork but were interrupted by hotch.

"y/l/n, my office please." he said with his head sticking out of the door. you got up without looking at everyone else who you could feel watching you. you shrugged it off and walked up to his office.

"close the door and take a seat, please." hotch told you. you did as you were told.

"i'm assuming there is a reason you called me in here." you said once you sat down.

"has anything been going on that you want to tell me about?" he said making eye contact as per usual.

"no im all good." you told him, maintaining eye contact.

"it was pretty obvious the other night that something happened. you need to talk about it and i know that you are closer to rossi than me so, would you rather talk to him about it?" he said.

"i don't need to talk about anything." you told him breaking eye contact.

"ok do you want rossi to come here or do you want to walk over to his office." he suggested and you just looked down at your fingers. "ok let's go." he said while getting up.

you got up silently and walked ou the door with him. "you know i don't really think i need to-" you turned around to look at him while walking.

"you are going to." he cut you off and you groaned internally. "rossi." he said and gave him a look.

"ah, come in." rossi said and you took a seat in front of his desk. you felt like a kid who got in trouble at school.

"so how have you been kiddo?" he asked once he sat back down.

"did you know that adhd can send your most important relationship off the rails? distraction, procrastination, and other adhd symptoms can stir anger, frustration, and hurt feelings for both the person with adhd and the partner, which i actually find very funny. also people with adhd tend to feel emotions more strongly than other people and when they grow up they dont manage their emotions so they get caught up in them and they are stuck feeling however they felt in that moment without looking at the bigger picture. oh and fun fact, people with adhd are 10 times more likely to developed depression than someone without it which is pretty horrible because a lot of people in this world has depression. i mean like the universe is really saying fuck you when they give people adhd because adhd is just a guarantee that they are going to die alone with depression." you rambled out.