to the limit [{spencer x reader}]

chapter 18: cocaine and melatonin

warning: mention of drugs, depression, mention of suicide

you had just gotten released from the hospital. finally. you were in the hospital for 5 days and throughout that time people from the hospital called and the team visited you, with the exception of hotch and jj because they had to get back to their kids. you put on a smile for them but on the inside you felt unworthy. you felt that you shouldn't be having everyone's attention, that you being in their lives is a waste of time and it would just ruin them.

you got released around 8 p.m and the team wanted to stay for the night because they thought it would be better for you. you and spencer are sharing a room so you just tried to put yourself to bed to avoid any conversation with spencer. you just sat on the bed, staring at a wall. you kept trying to distract yourself from the itch you had for coke.

spencer was finally asleep so you decided to leave the room. you walked around the empty streets of san franscisco until you made it to your moms house. she owned the property and you inherited it and you just couldn't sell it, so you kept it. her old car was in a garage which you gratefully took. 

you drove to the corner your old dealer was and you prayed that he was still there. getting out of the car, you put on your hood and went to the corner to see that he was still there.

"woahohohoh. i didn't expect to see you here. so tell me, hows the big shot fbi job?" jack said.

"how much?" you asked, not even bothering to give in to his stupid act.

"hmmmm. 97 for a gram, 165 to keep me quiet." jack said. you were going to protest and tell him that he would go to jail but you'd rather not sacrifice your career.

"fine." you groaned and gave him the cash. you took the little bag with the white powder to the car.

you searched for something to snort it off of when you found a sweater. you held it up to your nose, her scent filling your nostrils, bringing you back. your mind went to how hard she tried to get you to stop. i cant do this. y/n you don't need this. you don't want this. you threw down both things and started driving. you stopped to get gas before heading on the highway. it was 3 in the morning so it was fairly empty, making you arrive at your destination quicker. 

you made it to seattle, pulling up to amelia's apartment. she is the only one besides merideth and cat -who are still alive- that knows about your past. you knocked on her door, holding in your tears as much as you could. the door opened to show a visibly stressed owen. you pushed past him to see amelia crying on her couch, she looked up at you and stopped crying.

"w-what are you doing here?" amelia questioned. i held up the bag in between my pointer and middle finger. "is it about derek too?"

"too? did you take any?" you asked, starting to worry.

"no i just got them. uh- give it to own, he'll throw it away." amelia said and you threw the bag at owen. probably not what you should've done but whatever.

"i miss derek." i sat down next to her. you both started crying together. after a while of crying you decided to speak up. "you remember cat right?"

"the bitch who side-eyed everyone for a week? yeah very clearly." amelia responded with a laugh.

"so i haven't talked to her in months because she reeked of jealously. anyways, she stabbed me then blamed my mother's death on me. she knew that i blamed myself and used it against me so i felt like i was 19 again. i bought the stuff then i saw my moms sweater and now im here, crying on your couch. fuck, im so pathetic." you said.

owen gave you guys space as you cried together. you guys got sick of crying but couldn't sleep so you took melatonin gummies to help you sleep but amelia opted out.