Hades Titans {BOOK 2}

XX. Carry on

Heavy footsteps followed after me and I felt Hayden's hands land on top of mine, holding my hair for me. I felt like I could hardly catch my breath. The same way I had felt every time I had fainted. I sat back, slowly trying to take deep breaths, to stop the inevitable.

"Just take deep breaths, I'll call and arrange somewhere for us to stay for the night." He planted a kiss on top of my head, taking a step out of the bathroom.

"No. We have to put this on pause." I spoke slowly. My mind was running in overdrive, but I didn't have time to worry about it all yet. Penelope's wedding was hours away and we had nothing to wear and no present. Nothing was going to change in two days, and I had worked for months to make sure her wedding was perfect. "Penelope's getting married tomorrow. I didn't work endlessly for months, to abandon her now. We have to go buy a suit and a dress and some clothes to change into until we can recover our clothes from what used to be our bedroom. We can deal with this after her wedding." I forced myself to stand up, as Hayden steadied me. My head was spinning, but my stubbornness was more powerful than any other feeling in my body. I needed time to process and thinking of someone other than me was going to help me do exactly that. My chest felt tight. It felt like I was grieving a loss, despite nobody dying.

"I'll get us a hotel room and have a stylist come by. We don't need to go anywhere. You need to rest." He wrapped his blazer around me and lead us out of our broken home. There wasn't much left for us there. We got in his car and drove away. My chest felt tight. Despite insisting on pausing everything and concentrating on Penelope's wedding, I couldn't let it all go. My mind was rushing through every scenario that potentially hinted at Dorian's betrayal. Even inside my head, Dorian wasn't the person I known him to be. It was like my whole life was choreographed. Like I never had any control.

I looked over at Hayden, who had been concentrating on driving. Pretending that he was concentrating on driving. His eyes were jumping from one side to the other. He was overthinking just like I was. For a split second, I wondered if our relationship was planned by somebody too. My whole life was orchestrated, so why stop now? Maybe he knew something. He knew about Max. No, don't do this. He was the only real thing in my life, and I couldn't even think about it all being a ruse. Please don't let it all be a lie.

By the time we arrived at the hotel, I felt dead inside. There was nothing inside me that wanted to shop for a bridesmaid dress. I could feel my life crumbling all around me and I had to somehow keep it together, while only holding plasters. My fingers were already blistered from holding my relationship together, knowing that at the very end, the end of these short six months, I was going to die. So, does anything else even matter? My only job is to make sure this baby comes out as healthy as possible because this baby is what I am leaving behind. Before, I was worried about not having a plan, but now I was glad. I now knew the feeling of having everything decided for me, and it was not a feeling I wanted to share with anybody else.

The shock was holding me together. I had no time to brace myself as we stepped into our hotel room and all of that shock wore off. A lump began to form in my throat as I managed to the marble kitchen counter, leaning against it, and hoping it would hold me together. My hands began to tremble and the little control I thought I had, was lost. The world was spinning so fast, and it felt like I was caught in the wind. My chest tightly compressed, with hardly any room to breathe. I was trapped in this vortex and I couldn't stop it from taking over.

"I will call the stylist and get her to bring -" Hayden followed in after me, turning on all of the lights in all the rooms, before heading towards me. I bowed my head, knowing exactly what was coming. I knew he was going to ask if I were okay and I knew that as soon as he did, I would no longer be okay. The last thing I needed was for him to hover around me. I needed space, but the lump in my throat was much too large. My mouth was sewed shut by the incoming tears. "Hey, are you okay?" My stomach jolted instantly. A chuckle slipped through my lips before tears began to wash down my face. I couldn't lift my head to look at him, only slowly shaking my head. Instantly I blamed him. It was not his fault. This was bound to happen. His large arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his warm chest. It was the safest place in the world, but I wanted none of it. I was angry and frustrated and stupid... so stupid. How naïve must I be? How did this happen to me? How am I back here in this position again? I was being lied to my whole life. My family orchestrated by the titans. I was slowly dying again. How is this happening again?!

"No," I breathed out a hitched breath, pushing Hayden away. "This is... we can't do this right now." I continued, wiping my never-ending tears. "We're pausing this until after Penelope's wedding. I'm – I'm fine. I have to be fine." I took deep breaths, trying to convince my brain that in fact, I was fine and that I could save it all for another day.

"It's okay to not be okay."

"No! I have to be okay! This isn't fair on Penelope. I promised. This – this just has to wait. I can't do this right now." I inhaled a deep breath, looking, searching, begging for relief, for a moment of composure, but there was nothing but pain.

"Eve,"

"No. I have to be okay. This is not fair. It's – it's not fair!" I inhaled another deep breath, placing my hands on my ribs and pushing my thumbs in until it pained me, just to feel something else. Some control, some pain, something to make the world stop spinning.

"It's okay..."

"Don't say that!" I had somehow found the will to look him in the eye, but it only fuelled my frustration. I held my breath until my body begged me to breathe out.  "It's all a lie. Everything I know is a complete lie. It's not fair. I haven't lived. I haven't... lived. And now... how is this happening?" The tightness in my chest eased and it felt like I had landed back on the cold floor. I leaned back against the kitchen counter and placed my hand over my eyes, hiding the shame of my breakdown.

"You know I'm here for you... with you." He slowly moved closer. "I'm with you." Even his small step closer, mounted the pressure back to my chest, forcing me to hold my arm out for some distance.

"I know, but I need you to just – just carry on. Call the stylist, order a present, book a car, just carry on." I hung my head, looking at the hardwood floor of the kitchen.

"Are you sure? Penelope would understand." Hayden continued to try and help in any way he knew how, but there was nothing more I needed than space.

"I'm sure. I just need things to keep going and when we come back from Penelope's wedding, I will deal with it all."

"We will deal with it." His soft palm reached for my cheek as he pulled me in closer to his face. "I love you." He didn't wait for me to reciprocate, planting a soft, loose kiss on my lips, before reaching for his phone and walking away. It felt like all the weight was lifted. All the pressure evaporated, and I could finally just breathe.