When I met her in person for the first time everything went blank. My words twisted themselves around my tongue, and my stomach punched itself over and over and over and over and over again. She took my breath away. She is what I thought love was. She took me by the hand and guided me to where I needed to be. At least. Where she thought I should be. Two months pass and she's already living with me. Alright, cool I get to stay with my girlfriend. I thought that I would only be feeling love. When that hug, turns into a flinch, and that kiss turns into a scream it isn't love. Bruises stained my skin for days because I said no to sex. I felt numb for 4 more months. Chained and locked to what seemed like a jail cell wall and I couldn't get my foot out of my cuff, or unlock the damn door. The monster I thought I had under my bed was actually sleeping next to me, holding me tight in those arms that I fell in love with. But now it scares me to sleep with somebody. When someone moves even a fucking inch toward me I'm scared to death. If you're angry at me I will cry because I'm scared that you're going to be like her, and hurt me. I tremble at the thought of her being anywhere near me. I sob at the memories of laying on my bedroom floor, rubbing my swollen cheek after she pinned me down and I said no for once. I was a bad person for standing my ground and saying no. Do you know how hard it is to admit to someone that my own girlfriend raped me? To let them see the harrowing scars on my thighs because I ripped my fragile skin open to feel something other than worthlessness? It's an awful awful thing. So remember kids. Don't check your bed for monsters. Check someone's mind. Because that's where the real monsters are.
Thank you HMS.
TRH
