I feel numb to be honest. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just. Numb. Last night I rewrote my suicide note. For the 6th time. It needs to be perfect. Just in case. I'm not saying it will be tonight. Or tomorrow. Or next week. But one day I will end everything on my own terms. I feel so irrelevant and worthless to this world. But the numbness has taken over. I wrote to family. I wrote to friends. I wrote to the girl I'm absolutely in love with. Just in case. My body still aches from the sobbing I did for 4 hours last night. My head is pounding still. I feel like I'm still crying. But my exterior says different. Smiling at my mommy and holding sympathetic looks for my sissy. I love them. And dear god do I love her. She makes this numbing sensation that covers my body like an ocean wave subside. I feel so...Alive with her. But one day it could all be over. She could be gone, and have left me. And that's okay. it's fine. I might feel something for awhile.
TRH
