The Hobbit: A Stupid Journey

Chapter Five: Stupid Elves

Chapter Five: Stupid Elves

They all journeyed for 45 days, 23 afternoons, and 17 and one half nights. They then arrived at River Dale High the home of Elfrond the king of the elves, and assorted other elves who probably aren’t worth mentioning.

The place was, obviously, in a forest. The first sign of the elves was the singing, it went something like this:

Weeee arrree the chammpioons, Weeeeee are the Champions!!

“Oi!” shouted Thrashing, the king of the small people. “Show yourselves.”

About fifty elves did Parkour flips out of the trees and landed in front of them with bows drawn. “You smell so loud I could breath you with my eyes,” said the captain of the elves.

“Are you @#@$@#$ing dyslexic?” asked Boff you in the Head. He patted his tin pot of a helmet and waved a meaty finger around in circles to illustrate his point.

The elf raised an eyebrow, not for the last time. “Come, witness River Dale High, the most gorgeous place on earth. Home of Lord Elfrond High King of all the Elves and other assorted things with Capitals.”

“Take us to him, Master Elf,” said Thrashing, The King.

There was much partying, much music, much song and drink, and much other boring stuff like that. Bruno Mars, P!nk, and Elvis Presley all showed up to help the elves entertain their guests.

Boff you in the Head leaned over to Thrashing’s shoulder. “I personally would have taken some rock n’ roll.”

Elfrond clapped his hands for silence and stood. “Well, another year has passed, Gryffindor has once again emerged victorious in points, thanks to my arbitrary bumping up of free Quidditch marks for Harry Potter, who is, of course, my favourite.”

“Get one with it!” yelled Thrashing.

“Okay,” said Elfrond. “Do you have a map which can only be deciphered by holding it up to moonlight which is really just reflected sunlight?”

“No.”

Elfrond raised his eyebrow, not for the last time.

“Oh yeah,” said Gander. “Here’s the map.” He tossed it up to Elfrond about 50 ft. away.

Elfrond held it up to the light. “Apparently, there’s an invisible door which becomes visible when a bird chirps at it via midmorning at New Year’s.”

“New Years Eve, New Years Day, or Chinese New Years?” asked Thrashing.

“How should I know? New Years, I expect. I see you’re after Smitty’s treasure, eh?”

“Well, technically, it used to be ours. My grandfather, Grain—”

“Enough with your stupid grandfather, already,” said Elfrond. “You’ve been talking about him all night. Go out with an elf chick and stop living in the past.”

Thrashing looked around and then sat back down.

“If you’re dead set on this idiotic quest, I might point out that even if you do survive…”

“Unlikely,” put in Gander the Gold.

“…Yes…you only number roughly 12 and won’t be able to defend the billions of gold in quid against all the vandals and robbers.”

“We’ll figure that out later,” said Thrashing testily, the grandfather jibe clearly weighing heavily on his mind. He eyed up a stunning elf chick who looked somewhat like Angelina Jolie.

Elfrond clapped his hands again. “Well, all of you off to bed. You’ve got a big day ahead of you. The various elves will show you to your dormitories.”