The Hobbit: A Stupid Journey

Chapter Eleven: The Final Battle

The three armies ran and screamed at each other. The army of the humans was so small compared to that of the Elves and Dwarves that they were quickly trampled to death under the other two.

Elfrond bashed Boff you in the Head in the head with his mace.

Thrashing, King of the Dwarves, smacked the side of his axe into Elfrond’s leg. Elfrond howled.

There was a huge roar from the North and everyone looked up. Boff you in the Head took this opportunity to smash his axe into an elf’s forehead and crush his helm.

“Oi,” said Thrashing, his mouth gaping in a giant ‘O’. “The Orcs and Goblins are coming!”

A huge mass of black, fifty times larger than their combined forces was pouring down the hills mostly on the backs of giant wolves. The king of the Goblins shrieked as he spun a bola over his head.

Elfrond and Thrashing hugged and patted each other on the backs. “My great ally, let us kill these foul demon spawn,” said Thrashing.

“Master dwarf,” replied Elfrond courteously, “Nothing would give me greater pleasu—”

The king of the Goblins barreled by and crushed both of them underfoot.

What followed was such a massive battle with so much yelling that it cannot properly be described without going to great length. Elf fought goblin, Dwarf bit the ankles of orc, orc chopped elf in half, and goblin set fire to Bibbo hiding invisibly in a tree.

Gander the Wizard showed up and shot a lightning bolt which killed about 100 goblins. He then proceeded to use his magical elven sword to cleave through more goblins while singing whistle while you work.

Just when it seemed the Goblins would kill them all, a great cry came out: The Eagles are Coming! The Transformers are Coming! Everyone is coming!

Sure enough, giant robots, vampires from Twilight, huge eagles, and about 12 other armies of various strange nationalities descended onto the plains making the story far stranger than ever before.

“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” said Optimus, and then blew up the king of the goblins with a rocket.

Several orcs ripped apart Bumblebee and used his parts to shoot at the other Autobots.

A random wolf ran over Bella before she could suck the blood out of an innocent elf.

In short, it was complete chaos and mayhem. When the fighting finally died down the place was a complete wasteland. The groans of the dying filled the air. Bodies, twisted metal, and rubble lay about everywhere among huge smoking craters. Gander gazed about him sadly and shook his head. “Such is the result of war. We may have triumphed against the Goblins but we lost many lives today.”

It appeared as if everyone had been either destroyed, killed, or returned to their own timeline. Bibbo hopped off his tree and plugged his nose at the stench. Crows started to flock in making the whole scene even more disgusting. “With war, no one wins,” said Bibbo sagely. “Save, I guess, the guys who won.” Bibbo trotted over the command tents to see where all that dragon gold was going to be put and took off his ring to become visible. It wasn’t long before he spotted most of the dwarves in body bags. Boff you in the Head was apparently going to be the new king of the dwarves and everyone had agreed to split the loot because there was so much it wasn’t like it’d make much of a difference with most of them dead anyway.

Bibbo found Thrashing lying in a bed, clearly dying and breathing unsteadily. The dwarf reached out for Bibbo. “Forgive me, Master Baggies, I let greed blind me. Let me die as your friend in peace.”

“Aw,” said Bibbo and leaned over to shake his hand.

Thrashing’s eyes bulged and he grabbed Bibbo by the throat, choking him. He shook him back and forth in his iron grip. “Didn’t I tell you a dwarf never forgets an insult?”

Just as Bibbo felt his vision blurring, the two hands fell away and the dwarf king stirred no more. Bibbo sighed. “A great man, er, dwarf has died this day. I know he wanted to kill me, but if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be up to my neck in magic rings and dragon loot.”

***

After a few days of stealing ponies and dragon loot invisibly, Bibbo headed home to the Pony Shire.

He found that his house had been stolen by his sister, Laboria and he wasn’t impressed. As she was selling his prized CD collection from his house no less he drew his sword and advanced on her. “Yo, what up?” he said with a gleam of insanity in his eyes.

She screamed and fled, never to be seen or heard from again for about 12 hours after which she returned to be an annoying neighbor who looked over his fence at his newfound and fabulous wealth.

Bibbo soon retired in luxury with dragon gold buried under his floor. He also took the troll gold on his way back because the dwarves appeared to have forgotten about it. Oddly, Gander had forgotten to come after him to steal his magic ring. He hid it in a cupboard in case the wizard ever came by to steal it. However, that’s another story.

It can be safely said Bibbo relaxed in the good life of being super rich. He even hired himself a servant named Sammy and adopted a random son known as Freud. At some point it is rumored he wrote a book of his exploits but it’s highly unlikely because he was already stinking rich and celebrities writing their own biographies tend not to do a very good job.

The End?