Chapter Seven: Riddles in the Park

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Chapter Seven: Riddles in the Park

The spider kept whistling and brought Bibbo to a great park in the middle of the forest. The wood elves were reveling here and killed the spider in short order. “Very much obliged, chaps,” said Bibbo. “Chance to see a band of dwarves around?”

They shook their heads.

Bibbo let out a sigh. “That’s a relief. Now I can head on home.”

There was a terrible scream from the woods and a load of Wolf Riding Goblins burst into the clearing. The elves screamed and fled. Bibbo tried to flee too, but the goblin riders cornered him. He madly scrambled up a tree and found it to be already occupied by a skinny hairless version of himself. “Who the @$## are you?”

The creature did nothing but to make a repeated retching noise.

“Fair enough,” said Bibbo as the wolves and riders screamed below them. “I’ll call you Tom Jones.”

Tom Jones retched. “I’m going to eats you.”

“No,” said Bibbo, “you’re going to eat me.”

Tom Jones threw both hands onto Bibbo’s throat and started to strangle him. At the same time, the king of all the goblins came up under the tree and addressed them thus: “Hey you, park vandals, get out of that tree and back to school this instant!”

Bibbo gagged. Tom Jones made some retching sounds which sounded oddly like Bibbo.

“This is your last warning, you little hooligans,” said the king of the goblins. “That’s it, set fire to the tree.”

Several of the goblins hastened to obey. A few orcs launched firecrackers and sparklers at the tree branches.

Smoke beset Bibbo’s nostrils as Tom Jones continued to choke him. Yes, things looked grim for the poor Lobbit. Fortunately, the author has no sense of fairness so there was a great screech from above. The goblins let out frightened cries. “The giant and cheap Deus Ex Machina Eagles are coming! The plot device Eagles are coming!”

Tom Jones weakened his grip as he gazed upwards, eyes wide in wonderment.

Bibbo took the opportunity to sock him in the jaw. As Tom Jones fell out of the tree, Bibbo quipped, “Riddle me this, loser.” He laughed as an Eagle snatched him up in sharp talons. After a few seconds and a few hundred miles of air height, he realized just where he was. “Sod it. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, or an eagle nest.”

In a bizarre turn of events, Bibbo happened to glance to his right and see all the dwarves also held by eagles. He groaned. “Not you lot again. Bad enough that I’m going to be eaten by a load of giant birds, why not throw in some dwarves to boot?”

The giant Eagles started to circle and he spotted a nest with hungry little(?) eagles below. “Oh shit.”

“We can take them,” screamed Boff you in the Head over the rushing wind pushing his dreadlocks into his mouth.

“Are you serious?” screamed back Bibbo. “These suckers could just drop you and kill you.”

Boff you in the Head looked down and then back over to him. “Well, apart from that, I mean.”

They all landed and the King of the eagles (cue convenient gold crown) spoke: “Any last words before you become bird feed?”

“You can speak?” gasped Bibbo.

“Course, is there anything in this story which can’t speak? Honestly.”

“Well,” said Bibbo. “If you let us go, I can personally promise you a load of dwarf gold. Or dragon gold, one or the other.”

“Troll gold, at any rate,” said Boff you in the Head.

“Who cares what kind of gold it is!” yelled Thrashing, Uno Kingy.

One of the Eagles ate a random dwarf. “Shut up,” said the Eagle king rather redundantly. It was dead quiet except for the sound of crunching dwarf. The eagle who’d done the deed puked up the dwarf for his chicks.

Everyone said, “Ew.”

There was a crack and Gander reappeared. Bibbo scrunched his eyes and braced his hands over his ears. “I am Gander,” said Gander, “And Gander means MEEEEEEEEE!  I suppose it could also mean someone misspelled Grander as well.”

“Who cares,” squawked the king of the eagles.

“Nice crown,” said Gander. He suppressed a giggle.

“Well, I suppose you could do better, wizard?”

“Yes,” said Gander seriously as another dwarf was eaten and puked up. “In fact, we’re just on our way to a free hoard of treasure, guarded by a measly dragon known as Smitty’s. If you let us on our way, I can personally promise you a much sexier crown.”

“Oh yes?” said the eagle king, hesitantly.

“In fact,” said Gander, getting into the swing of things as a third dwarf was eaten and puked up loudly. “I’ll personally make sure it is awesome, has jewels in it, and matches your feathers somehow.”

The Eagle King considered as a fourth dwarf was digested and undigested. He nodded. “Very well, you have a deal.”

Thrashing glowered. “Care to stop your heathen birds from eating my brothers?”

The Eagle King squawked and the eating and reverse eating stopped.

“Thank goodness,” said Bibbo.

“Care to give us a lift to the Lonely Even though it’s a piece of rock Mountain? O’ Wise Eagle King?” asked Gander.

The Eagle King sighed. “Oh, what the heck, might as well. Hop aboard.”

As they boarded their flights, Bibbo muttered, “If I ever try to tell anyone of this they’ll think I’m a cuckoo nut-job whack-a-doodle on drugs.”

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