The Hobbit: A Stupid Journey

Chapter Eight: Of Elves and Men

Chapter Eight: Of Elves and Men

As they were following the course of the river Arduous toward the Lonely Even though it was a piece of rock Mountain, Bibbo turned to Gander: “I say, old man, what other idiotic perils may befall us on this journey?”

Gander took out his pipe and began to smoke heavily. “Well, young Lobbit, that is a long tale. Since this is an even longer journey I shall begin: In-the-Middle earth was once a prosperous place and everyone lived in an age of peace. Much that once was is no longer so.”

“Why do they call it in-the-middle earth?”

“Because we’re in-between the real world and total insanity.”

“Oh.”

“As I was saying,” continued Gander, “Orcs and Goblins have been breeding in the mountains. They grow more and more numerous by the day with no one to check their numbers. The wolf-riders have been heading farther and farther afield.”

“Further and further,” corrected Bibbo.

“Whatever.” Gander blew a smoke oval. “I sense a great evil upon the land. The orcs and goblins have never forgotten the sound beating the old dwarf king Grain and the king of the wood elves, Moon Beam, gave them long ago. As you know, dwarves and elves live practically forever.”

“How long exactly?” asked Bibbo.

“Well, dwarves live about 100 years, Lobbits usually make 150, Elves live for about 1,000 years, and wizards, well, let’s just say I haven’t bit the dust yet.”

“Are you the only wizard in the world, Gander?”

“The only one worth knowing about, yes.”

An arrow whistled up from below and pierced Bibbo’s eagle in the heart. The great bird spiraled out of the air. More arrows whizzed past as Bibbo plummeted into the great river Arduous. It was what saved his life. Despite the fact water will kill you when you hit it at a great height, he survived. As Gander had once said, “Lobbits are made of sterner stuff.” Apparently, he’d been referring to titanium, tungsten steel, or some other equally hard material not subject to the usual laws of falling physics and human bodies.

Bibbo, between gasps of water and air, saw dozens of wolf-riding-goblins on the shores as well as his fellow companions and the beastly eagles falling out of the air. He was then washed so far down stream that he forgot to do more than try to swim and survive.

Now, dear reader, you may figure he surely would have died. Certainly, the dwarves wearing full armor ought to have drowned. However, I’d like to point out the incredible fatness of Bibbo is what saved him from drowning. It gave him a great buoyancy.

Bibbo, for the second time on this journey, washed up on the shore in the middle of a forest. Some of the wood elves captured him. Wood elves were like regular elves, except ugly and with sticks in their hair. They took him to a jail in the palace of the wood elf king, Moon Beam. He found the other dwarves and Gander imprisoned there.

The wood elves locked him in with a clang.

“I should have teleported away,” bemoaned Gander.

“Why don’t you then?” asked Thrashing.

Gander sighed. “The king of the wood elves has laid a curse on me.”

“@#$@#$#@ing wood elves,” said Boff you in the Head. The other dwarves muttered agreement.

“Mind your tongue, Boff,” said Thrashing. He pulled a pendant of a small silver unicorn from a string about his breast. “My lady love bears the name ‘elf’ and I shall one day make her my queen when I have reclaimed enough gold to give her a proper wedding.”