The Hobbit: A Stupid Journey

Chapter Six: Murky Wood

Chapter Six: Murky Wood

In the morning they bummed a load of elvish bread, wine, and pot off the elves and left. Elfrond waved them a fond farewell.

“Where’s Thrashing?” asked Boff you in the Head of no one in particular.

Thrashing kicked open a side door and came out with the giggling elf chick from the night before. He had his arm around her calves. He patted the far one. “Cya, Baby.”

She pinched his cheek, leaning over to do so. “Come back to me soon, my rock hard king of the Dwarves.”

All the other dwarves wolf whistled and Thrashing rejoined them smiling broadly. “The elves aren’t that bad of a lot, really.”

Bibbo slapped a hand over his eyes. “Enough with the inappropriate lewdness, let’s be on our way.”

“Very well, Master Baggies.”

“Don’t make fun of my name.

Thrashing smiled. “How is saying your name properly, making fun of it.”

“Just don’t,” said Bibbo.

They travelled for a few more months until they came to Murky Wood.

They all stopped and stared. The whole place reeked of sewage and looked so purely evil that only a complete fool would dare enter. “Let’s go around,” said Bibbo. It’s not like we haven’t been travelling for a billion days already anyway, not to mention meeting random and irrelevant people.”

There was a loud crack and Gander disappeared. The dwarves cursed heartily and to some great length.

“We go inside,” said Thrashing.

“No,” said Bibbo. He crossed his arms. “I don’t care if you are a midget mental patient.”

“Yes,” said Thrashing.

“No,” said Bibbo. “And nothing you can say or do will change my mind.

Thrashing bashed him over the head with his shield and Bibbo’s vision disappeared completely without even a reference to blackness of any sort.

When he awoke next, they were all standing next to a river. “Whot’s this then?” said Bibbo, “Can’t get over a stupid little river?” He jumped in. The river turned into a massive set of rapids and hurled him 100 miles downstream before his scream died off.

Boff you in the Head frowned. “Nobody warned him about the illusory river and spiders?”

Thrashing snarled. “He disobeyed my express command. He deserves no better.”

Bibbo washed up on shore and spit out some water. He shivered. He was soaked to the bone and nearly dead from being bashed into various hard rocks. He’d even lost all the food the elves had given him. “I promise, if I ever make it out of here, I’ll actually pay my taxes this year.”

A soft voice behind him answered, even though it wasn’t a question. “I hope you took out life insurance.”

Bibbo turned his head and laid eyes on a great, big spider. It had giant eyes and, oddly, spoke as a young woman making it even more creepy. “Um,” he said, at a loss for words. “What the heck am I supposed to say to you to make you not eat me?”

The spider shrugged two sets of shoulders and wrapped him into some web. It tossed him on its back and headed off into the woods whistling a Barry Manilow tune.

“No,” screamed Bibbo as he was carried off into the woods. “Not this! Anything but Manilow!”