🔞5EX: SUSTAINED OBLITERATION🔞

Writers block

The next few hours pass pretty uneventfully. I finally swallowed my nerves and joined everyone in the garden, and after an expected round of banter and teasing where I'm called many suggestive names, I manage to get some reading done. I'm going back through my stories, giggling at how wrong my perceptions about their characters was, mentally gagging at some of the terminology I've used,  and blushing furiously at some of the more...... let's say, risqué chapters!
It all feels pretty creepy being honest, and a bit pathetic! Now I have met the real people behind the stage personas I see how wrong it is to create a fantasy world outside of my mind, involving public figures without their consent. The perceptions these stories could place in an impressionable or susceptible readers mind could have serious or possibly dangerous consequences for that public figure and their loved ones.

I am ashamed of myself.

I'm embarrassed that these real life men that I will be sharing so many months with have read these things I've written about them, or rather my fantasy versions of them, and had to experience adverse reactions because of it.
Im jotting down anything from the plot lines that may have caused the boys concerns, intent on researching all possibilities. I want to know what I've written that is so accurate it has them so upset. Initially I did plan to try to use it to bargain my way out of this deal, perhaps editing them to fix the problems and convince them to allow me to keep my work available to others online, but now I really do want to make amends, and will happily remove them from the public domain.
I used to be immensely proud of the millions of views my stories had received but now it worries me.

OMG!!

Every single one of the sex scenes in my stories involved Yanni!!
Me and Yanni!!

A hot wave of nausea sweeps over me, leaving me feeling like a sandcastle that's been hit by a wave.
Panic creeps in, they've all read these stories. Read my words, conjured images in their minds and now I've gone and given them all a real life visual of my nearly naked body they are sure to work out that my female characters are always based on myself, that all of her thoughts, kinks and responses to situations either are or would be my own. All her desires, needs and faults are mine.
Why does Yanni have to be such a dick in reality. The other 4 guys would give me shit if it was them I'd written all my erotic fantasies about, but in a jovial and teasing way.
Yanni is going to use it against me isn't he!
How do I face him now?

There is DEFINITELY NO GOD, but I now wholeheartedly believe in the Devil, why else would these humiliations continue to befall me!?!
I must have been Attila the Hun in a previous life to deserve this much shame!
I have written about his body in great detail, numerous times, those bits I have seen easier to describe than the parts I have not, but by no means as much fun!
My imagination given free reign, able to conjure up any version I want to see in that moment, allowing me to fulfil my fantasies, to take something from him without permission to satisfy a selfish desire.
I see how vile that is. I am objectifying them. It's wrong.
From this point on any book I write will be 100% fiction!!

Needing a distraction from those new and unwelcome realisations about my exploitative nature I close down all tabs concerned with work and open up Google, typing in the name LOLA LIVINGSTONE and clicking the search button, then scrolling through the page until I come across the report I had previously been reading.

Parker, Teddi and Yanni have all gone indoors..... apparently only 'complete drongos' stay outside between 1 and 5pm.
I'm clearly a drongo. I am a born and bred Brit. We don't get good weather, it's almost always freezing cold or raining......or both! If we get 3 warm days in a row we call that summer!! I'm going to make the most of this glorious sunshine!
Jimmie is on the other side of the pool, stretched out on a sun lounger under a large umbrella, shades on, having a nap, leaving Noah and I together.