🔞5EX: SUSTAINED OBLITERATION🔞

Exorcising the demon

Syd pov

The next two weeks pass by in a blur. Muriel calling the police herself after dropping her bombshell confession. She was arrested and held for questioning for 72 hours while police conducted inquiries in an attempt to verify her confession. Many interviews followed for the rest of us, and Muriel was charged with solicitation of murder. She would not name the person responsible for actually committing the crime, and the police have not yet found any evidence to further their investigations in that direction. Even Ben couldn't get her to tell him who she had convinced to kill Lola, just that he was free now to pursue his dreams of having a family with what she called a 'woman worthy of his pure heart'. She is being held in HMP Bronzefield in Surrey while her lawyers try to get her extradited to Australia to face trial there since the crime was commissioned there and all involved parties live there. Laura doesn't think they will be successful, but if convicted they may get her returned to Australia after trial to serve her sentence out. She's in surprisingly good spirits apparently, joking that at least now the boys won't have to nail down their property. Ferdi is great at keeping us updated. We all hope to visit her soon.

I myself have had a few sessions with Dr Daisy in an attempt to understand the images in my head.
She thinks that it is highly likely that my brain has amalgamated many memories, past trauma at Harry's hands and the details of Lola's death that I had absorbed from all the reading I had done and created the 'false memory'. It makes sense to me now, and the relief I feel is immense, although I'm not fully convinced just yet. We will continue to have further sessions to work on that.

Harry and his Dad have both decided to take plea deals meaning that there will be no court case, no testimony, no reason to ever see either of them again....... but I have to face Harry one more time before I can put that chapter of my life away forever. I have to show him that despite his best efforts he has not ruined me. Whatever happens in my life from this point on will be my decision alone. That will torment him for the rest of his life. To know that I can survive without him, can be happy......

I'm excited for my future!

The thought of sitting down with Harry terrifies me, but not as much as telling Yanni.
He surprises me however with his response when I tell him my plan. We sit together in the immaculate garden of the rental house drinking coffee together while I explain my reasons for needing to speak to Harry. I fully expected resistance, anger and for him to try and talk me out of it but he does the opposite and actually encourages me! I'm dumbfounded by this unexpected outcome and tell him as much.

"You must make the choice YOU feel is best for you, but I think it's a good way to cleanse yourself of him once and for all. That fear he has beaten into you over the years will continue to rule your life if you don't show him that you're not afraid of him anymore. He will still have power over you.
That hold he has on your soul is what fuels him, feeds the monster inside. It's what makes that pulsating sack of putridity he calls his heart beat!! The best revenge you can have is to be happy, TRULY HAPPY, with someone else, and begin your new life. I'll support you in any way I can with that, and I'll support you in whatever you decide about this. I love you Syd, and for me that means being encouraging, supportive, understanding, and present! I'll always be here for you" he finishes quietly, bringing our foreheads together and stroking my jaw tenderly with his thumb, the feel of his soft skin on mine causing a low moan to leave my lips.

After softly pecking me on my lips he falls back into the sofa beside me, eyes forward, hands on his knees, then exhales slowly. Something is wrong, but what? Does he not mean what he just said? He looks pensive, like he wants to say something else so I remain silent and wait for him to continue, and he does.

"I always want to be honest with you Syd, so I have to tell you this. I thought I loved Lola, I really did. She was gorgeous, attentive, fawning even. She was sexy and interested in me! She owned me, and she knew it too. She was the only thing I could think about, my relationships with the boys suffered, work suffered badly, so badly in fact that management brought me in and told me to buck up or I was out of the group.
I was livid. Infuriated that they were questioning my commitment to my brothers, to our fans and to my art. I began to refuse to do public appearances, hoping to show them they needed me. That's when they employed Vinni to be me at those events. The realisation that they really were prepared to let me go was enough to get me back on track, musically are least. I was happy to let Vinni continue doing the P.A's, as long as I could continue to create and perform. That way I had time to spend with Lola, and Vinni's public relationship with Weeze really helped with that too, everyone just assuming he was me.
It was amazing for a few months, I was elated and truly believed I was in love with her, that's when I proposed. The more time I had to spend with her, the more I realised we had nothing in common. She had no plans, didn't have a passion of her own, no ambition beyond being famous and wealthy. She was boring, and I'd finally fallen out of lust, I just didn't have the courage to tell her it was over. I made excuse after excuse to avoid seeing her, visiting the gym, extra dance classes, working ridiculous hours in the studio where I then slept many nights.
When our World tour was announced I was excited, looking forward to the break from playing pretend with her. I was mean to her, I guess I was trying to push her away from me, but she went nowhere. Little did I know that while I was working so hard to avoid her she was using that time to her advantage, actively searching for my replacement, just biding her time before finally leaving while we were on tour.
When we got home I was relieved to find her gone, it was over and I didn't need to see her again. I was mad that she took so much of my stuff, and the boys just assumed I was upset that she had gone. I let them think that"

He looks up from his lap and directly into my eyes, a slight frown marring his beautiful face as he continues...

"At the time she left I had come to despise her and was actually glad she had gone. I let the boys console me, a pretence that I felt necessary. I didn't want them to think any less of me, I mean, a man who had professed his love as vehemently as I had should be broken when the woman he had almost thrown away everything he had worked so hard for had left him, right?! I buried myself in writing and recording, and actually produced some of my best work, but that made me feel guilty, enjoying success that in part she had been responsible for. That guilt showed itself in some self harming behaviours, namely drinking and taking recreational drugs, and that led to a breakdown of sorts. You might remember that I once was absent from the group for a 10 week period whilst recovering from an appendectomy?"

I nod in response and instinctively reach out and grasp his beautiful hands in reassurance. He sighs and goes on....

"I still have my appendix. I had been admitted into a private health facility for behavioural therapy to get me back on track. Intense detoxification and group counselling, psychotherapy and the most gruelling diet and physical exercise regime kept me occupied and gave me back my life. I never want to go back to being that weak and selfish man I was before that. I realise that there is no shame in needing some help, and if it allows me to maintain, strengthen and hopefully in the case of Noah, repair the relationships I have I will continue to have therapy, probably for my entire life. I just want you to know that, just because I need support doesn't mean I can't or won't provide the same for you. I will be here for you, always"

He kisses my nose then wraps me up in the tightest embrace and we sit peacefully together like that for some time, tears of relief and happiness stream down my face. I withdraw from the hug and cup his cheeks in my cold hands, and gaze lovingly into his eyes as I begin to speak.

"Let's do it! Let's go and visit Harry, exorcise the demon once and for all so we can begin to build a life together, one where Harry Hartwell doesn't exist, and can never hurt me again. I want all of you Yanni, and I want to be able to give all of myself to you. While he rents space in my mind and his legacy of abuse and violence cast shadows over my heart I can't do that. Come with me? I need you. Can we also agree here and now that we will always be honest and open about our feelings, and discuss any issues we might have before they become malignancies that threaten our relationship. I want to support you in everything you do, be with you everywhere you go. I want us to have a happy future together, the full fairytale........ but first I want to finish writing that damn Biography! I've never missed a deadline yet and I don't intend to start now!" I finish with a smirk, playfully slapping his bicep.

"Well then, let's go and see 'What's his name' shall we?" he counters with a wink.

"I love you Mr Smith" I whisper, returning his gentle kiss, my lips barely grazing the tip of his nose and he rewards me with the most ethereal smile I have ever seen outside of a renaissance painting!

"And I love you too 'future wife'" he quips, "Now let's go and slay that demon!"