🔞5EX: SUSTAINED OBLITERATION🔞

Time to fight back

"The apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree does it?!" I say, the shock clear in my strangled voice, Ginny shaking her head in reply.

I am reminded of my life with Harry, how he would actively work on new ways to torture me, take great pleasure in my humiliation, degrade me infront of others and share me around at his 'special nights'. He never saw me as a person, never cared I had feelings, considering only what gave him satisfaction. It amazed and terrified me that he could always up the stakes. Just as soon as I thought I had a coping strategy in place he would change the game. I lived in a perpetual state of fear and pain. I feel a connection to Roni after listening to Ginny tell me her story, so similar to mine.

"Sydney, we are satisfied that you did not kill Billy, and you have helped us to fill in some blanks. Your psychiatrist here is happy with your progress, and now you are taking some mood stabilisers she is prepared to sign your release papers, allowing you to go home. I wish I could say that the whole nightmare was over but Harry is still out there somewhere. We will need to talk to you again, and the detectives looking into the Lola Livingstone case will also want to speak with you about what you know about that, but there is no reason to keep you here anymore. You should be on your way home by tonight." she reports.

I have never felt relief like it. Being locked up for something you haven't done is absolutely terrifying, having no idea how long you will be there for, seeing no-one you care about as they may inadvertently feed you information that clouds your recollections of events. I have been craving human contact, a touch, a hug, a kiss........ and all from the same one person.
I crave Yanni!
I have missed my parents, Laura and all the guys, but I have NEEDED him!
Regular psych assessments and dragging up the past has been gruelling but cathartic. I have realised that I am a strong woman, a survivor, not a victim, able to make my own way in this world, reliant on nobody but myself, but I don't want to be alone. I want to be with the man I love!

Realisation hits like a ton of bricks. I DO love him.
I need to tell him.
Soon.
As soon as I'm out of here!

After finishing up with the two detectives for today I am returned to my room, a smile in my heart although it is not evident on my face as I frown at the card in my hand, Ginny's personal number incase I need anything, or remember anything that might be useful to the case.

I take a shower and change then lie back on my bed, watching the clock slowly tick away the minutes, every one feeling like an hour. I wonder how I will get home? I'll call Laura and ask her to collect me. Do I go home? Can I face being in the home I love after what has happened there? Am I allowed to go back, after all, it's a crime scene! It dawns on me that Harry knows where I live.

I can't go home!!

I wake from a nap having fallen asleep thinking about where I can go to be safe. Harry knows where my parents and Laura live ruling those places out.
I'll check into a hotel, I've done it before after first leaving Harry, I can do it again. It's no fun, but I will feel safer.

Daisy opens my door at that precise moment and tells me that it's time for me to go home, a huge grin on her face.
Leaping from my position on the bed I rush to the door and hug her tightly.

"Thankyou so much for everything you've done to help me Daisy, I'm so grateful, and sorry that I spent so long being difficult and silent. I had some horrible thoughts about hurting you in those first weeks, thoughts I'm not proud of, and would never have acted on. I'm sorry. Forgive me!?" I plead.

"Nothing to forgive Sydney. Most of my patients have probably had the very same thoughts. When you are vulnerable and scared the brain, fuelled by adrenaline can bring attention to important details and can produce vivid memories by helping the brain record them in long-term memory. I believe that the thoughts that you think you had towards me were actually memories of things that you experienced with Harry. You must continue to work with a psychiatrist or therapist to help you unlock all those memories. It will be the hardest thing that you ever do, but necessary for you to move past it and have a happy future." Daisy smiles at me and indicates I pick up my bag and follow her from the room.

We walk together through the prison hospital and into the main prison recreation area, Daisy unlocking and relocking heavy gates as we go.
I am so nervous about leaving. Of course I haven't enjoyed my time here, but I have felt safe. I just want to have a normal life, a home, a lover and a family, but right now I don't feel like that is on the cards for me. Who in their right mind is going to want a broken ex jailbird in their life?
As we arrive at the main reception of the prison my thoughts turn to how I will get home, and whether or not I actually want to go back there...... ever! It's not safe, Harry knows where I live, he has been there, and I believe he killed his own brother there too!!

After signing copious numbers of release forms and being handed a small clear plastic bag of my personal items from the day I arrived I am free to leave, and I am actually terrified!
I've been told that I cannot leave the UK for now as I will need to give a statement to the Lola Murder detectives, which is upsetting and scary, but understandable, unfortunately I have no idea if what I feel I saw was even real or just a combination of memories and subliminal fears playing in my mind? Either way there are huge gaps in my memory.

I thank the officer for my items as I return the pile of signed papers to him and check the contents of the bag while he checks the documents are all in order.
Opening the bag which I can see has my silk robe inside I am met with an earthy, musty, metallic odour that catches in the back of my throat and makes me think of maggots! I gag but  pull the fabric out of the bag and hold it before me, a large, deep reddish brown stain and splashes upon it. My torn shorts and cami are also being returned to me, again, covered in the same staining as the robe.

BLOOD!

My blood!

What do these people think I'm going to want these for? They are ruined, both in terms of their usability and because they will undoubtedly entice unwanted and horrific memories to begin swirling through my mind like a swarm of wasps in a whirlwind, dangerous and terrifying in equal measure. I decide I'll give them to Ferdi to hold just incase I need them later, so quickly stuff them back in the bag and reseal it, swallowing down another wave of nausea as I do. I place the bag in my hold-all then turn to Daisy and pull her into a hug.

"You know what Dr Daisy Fields, without your tenacity, guidance and sheer 'bulldog in a cat costume' spirit I wouldn't be leaving today. I have come to realise that holding on to all my baggage is just allowing Harry to continue having power over me. To hurt me from afar, affect my life and keep me afraid.
No more!
It's time to fight back and stop playing the role of 'victim', and to do that I need to put Harry behind me, or rather, I need to put Harry in prison!
Thankyou Daisy...... for everything!" I release her from the hug and take a step back and find she is pointing quietly at something behind me with a smile on her lips.
I turn and follow the line of her finger and find there, standing in the doorway of the reception area, looking absolutely phenomenal in ripped skinny blue jeans, long grey T-shirt and a glorious green camo coat, finished off with chunky black DM boots and a black baseball cap is Yanni.

My heart literally stops beating for a few seconds, all the blood in my body rushing into my pelvic area, my breath catching in my throat as he returns my intense gaze.

"Hi......" I whisper

He holds out his arms and smiles at me and I find myself drawn to him, tears beginning to fall as I am enveloped in the strong and comforting embrace.

"Hi! Let's get you out of here shall we!?" he says, lifting me onto his hips, my legs either side of his waist, arms around his back and my head on his shoulder, his musky citrus scent filling my nostrils and tantalising my senses while my lips graze the soft skin of his neck as he walks me outside into freedom