Playing Death |ONC 2021 Longlister

Chapter 22

Vansh

I locked myself in my room and went out only to eat and then stayed back in days. It had been four days since he contacted me. Nothing made sense and after my outburst and Jay vanishing, I refreshed the page hundreds of times. But by then, Layla deleted everything and only the most loyal fans had speculations without any proof. Although I knew anyone could screenshot whatever Layla had put up and post it anywhere, I think she set a timer for one minute or something. 

Because while I waited in my room for someone to come bursting through, and shout and yell at what a disgrace I had been, nothing of the sort happened. I wondered if anyone saw it. 

I had switched off my phone since it all spiraled out of control. I needed no one's sympathy. I felt my anxiety spike as I felt the knots get tighter in my chest, and  suddenly I was too tired to cry or sleep.

My family was displeased to say the least when I  stayed here the first two days, only going out to eat. They hated it and wanted me to always interact and blamed my reclusiveness on not getting dates. I wondered if praying would help. Would it bring back Death?

I felt even more guilty as I thought about it. So...in effect all they wanted was a body? To enjoy life? They are Death, is that why they don't feel anything? No...it couldn't be. Why would an immortal person want a body?

They kept changing bodies, remember? Nothing was permanent. They couldn't feel anything.

I thought about what it would be like if my senses were taken away, if the stars, my philosophies, my love was taken away. If my songs were taken away, would I be empty?

Yesyesyes. Was Death an empty walking shell?

I felt my thoughts spiral downwards to Jay, how I had lost something that was just starting to build. Would he even believe everything I told him?

I wondered about it and felt my chest tighten, and stifled an urgent need to cry. I got up, locked the door and plopped myself on the bed. For a long while, I stared at the ceiling and then I took a pillow and stuffed my face in it, yelling into it. Then I pulled out an old Walkman and started shuffling the songs on it. The only good thing about the Walkman was that I could listen to infinite songs and needed no internet; I could pretend I was free from all this distress for a while. 

I turned up the volume and plugged my headphones. Kill Our Way to Heaven by Michl started playing

~We would say anything just to hear what we want
Right or wrong
Then we lie to be forgiven
We would sell anything just to buy who we're not
Any cost
We kill our way to heaven~ 

The lyrics hit hard and I thought about it. We are all selfish human beings. We would do anything if circumstances forced us. Like me. Like Death. Like Layla. Like...Jay? Was Jay the only innocent one here?

Why did this have to happen to me? I should not have survived that day. Living made me owe to Death and I wanted nothing to do with them at all. I was grateful they saved me. But they kept poking at me.

They made me evil. Maybe I was already evil.

If I were them, would I do this? I thought about it and it made sense. If I could have a taste of what everyone was enjoying and crying about, laughing mirthlessly and howling in pain. If I could have all those would I take it? I would.

I hated god even more. Aphrodite it seemed was her name. Who cared? She bought souls to make beauty products for her fucking skin. I hated that I saw none of this coming.

And yet, I felt something stir in me. I never liked Death. I hated them after that incident. But strangely it seemed justified. I knew I would do the same if I were them. I thought of them propping up in unexpected situations, following me everywhere to probably wonder what I did. But also, strangely to see how we were. I felt my eyes close in tiredness.

If there is a god, please, please let me see Death one last time. Let me see them and show them life.

***

I slept fitfully, through the night waking up and falling back to the same old dreams, thoughts. I could not distinguish anymore. I closed my eyes until I felt a phone ring.I picked it up.

"Hello?" I rasped, my voice strained. The other end was silent and I squinted to see the caller's name. Jay.

"Jay?" I asked softly, sitting up, my heart hammering in my chest. "What...what is it?"

The line went dead and I stared at it painfully, cradling the phone, wondering whether to call back or not. I hesitantly dialed back and heard the rings and knew he was ignoring me. I was about to cut the call when he picked.

"Hi," he said.

"H-hey, Jay," I whispered.

"Want to talk about this?" he said sternly.

"Sure," I felt tears of relief come forth. "Yes."

"Come to the balcony."

I felt a deep dense of Déjà vu and the inexplicable weight of being crushed by everything. 

I dressed up and pulled on a sweater as I went to see him. I was going to tell him everything. That night under the stars, I desperately wished I could see Death once more again. I wished that Jay would accept me again. 

Just once more. 

***

Wooo do you think Vansh will see Death again? Vote and comment all!