The colors of spring and winter

May 3rd

Barrier
Something, in most context a negative thing that separates or prevents something

Sometimes i wish there wasn't so much getting in the way
So much stopping me from growing up like any other boy would
It hurts knowing there is so much I missed out 
lots i'll never get to experience because the time is to late
But I must remind myself if there's anybody up their they wanted things to be this way
I'm not a failed cis person I was born exactly how I should be
I was born to see life in a different perspective and maybe help those like me
Born to feel the pain so many like me do
I'm not here to give up and stop trying
Not here to take a walk and never come back
I'm not here on this earth to think I've failed in some way because things aren't the same for me

Bear
A constellation also known as Ursa major

I often find myself wondering on the questions life has yet to answer
The one that appears most often is what happens when our time comes
Is it really all we see
do we simply close our eyes and shut off our minds for the rest of time
Does our body slowly shut down as the soul leaves the body forever and always
Will I one day become part of a mushroom tree never to see earth again'
Never again experience life or what comes after
It's a depressing point of view but it's also freeing
Knowing that every mistake I make won't matter in a century of two
Understanding that one of these days I'll know it'll time to close my eyes

Beautify
The action of making something beautiful or expanding on it's beauty

I can't say I know anymore than anyone about why we as humans are here
I don't know if there is any reason behind it or any meaning at all
Maybe it's all a computer game who really knows about this experience at all
But i know how i want to spend my time here and how I don't
I know It would be lovely to experience all there is out there
To visit any and everything there is to see in my little world
I hope to help people along the way
I dream of looking back on all that is about to be done happily
Because why let the rain of uncertainty get in the way of the life i wish to live

Become
To start being something

I spent so much time trying to find what lies beneath until i realized that person could be anybody I wanted him to be 
I can start being a writer who drinks coffee in the early hours of the morning
Someone who reads before going to school then at night before bed
Someone who wears brown dress pants and takes his coffee black
Writing and learning at his desk with dead roses
Who loves authors so much he becomes one
To love learning so much he does it all his life
Or the type of kid who wears crystals and tie dye
Talks about the soul and spirit
Loves to talk to trees and go on walks to the community garden
The one who doesn't care what the others think
The type of man whose fun loving and wears bright pinks and yellows
And pretends to be the main character in a 1980s film
I can be all of them in some strange combination
I can be anybody I want to be

Beloved
Something that is deeply loved

Turning pain into something others can read within a book that has a green cover
Having fun because what if none of it matters in the end
Going to the thrift store making jewelry from beads you found at said store
People who feel like a home or a loud campfire
Late night conversations under the stars
Short spring breaks that get the life squeezed out of them
Long summer breaks that transform the life I'm yet to live

Benediction
Divine timing or blessings

In my life there have been many things i didn't quite understand the reasoning behind
I didn't understand why life was the was it was and why it is the way it is
I still don't know why things are the way they are in my heart have no clue
Is someone up there addressing our pain as a lesson or is it easier to pretend that's true
Does someone else make meaning or do we just find it within ourselves
It's still a question that crosses my mind nearly everyday
But in my life I was almost always able to find a reason why
Why I had to go through what i did and what I could make of it
Maybe it's me finding my way to cope but at this point I don't mind
I don't mind that it's all a mystery

Bizarre
Strange or odd

I know why for so long I chose to keep myself hidden
didn't do it because it was easy I did because it felt necessary
thought I needed to be someone else to be accepted
Later I found at that acceptance wasn't really in any sense
So i started walking towards doing what felt right
I may have stumbled on the way but I never looked back

Bliss
A happy calm state of being

Often I find myself wishing I could walk away and never come back
Interpret that as you will because to be frank I don't know either
But even when I can't sleep because of the rain pounding against my roof I know it can't rain forever
I know one of these morning i'll wake up on a sunday morning to birds chirping knowing it was all worth it
Someday soon I'll read my old poetry and journal and look back proudly
So proud that I made it through the storm

Blossom
For a plant to grow a flower or someone/something to grow in great directions

Looking back on today last year so much has changed for not only me but those I love
It was around this time my addiction hit its highest point and Almost took me away for good
I look back on my old self and feel no connection in the slightest
That wasn't me that wasn't who I am in any sense at that time and today
I focused on all the wrong things for the wrong reasons at all the wrong times
Life is still a often bumpy road but it's so much smoother than it used to be
looking back on all the other change gives me so much hope for tomorrow

Bury
To put underground

Sometimes you have to bury the person you used to be
Sometimes you have to let them go into the earth not to be forgotten but left behind
Because in life time passes and so do parts of yourself become mushrooms in a patch of flowers
Appreciated but long gone
I'm not the same person I was in the eighth grade I'm not the same man as I was before