Unrealistic

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Eric

As much as I tried to hide my thoughts Be noticed my fear filled mood and asked her dad if she could stay at my house for a few hours. I lower my head a few inches in defeat; I don’t want to have this conversation right now, or ever. Nothing could make this day worse.

Just as I step past the front door I realize that I spoke too soon. Sitting together at the dining room table are my parents, each holding a full glass of wine. My eyes shut on my own accord; I feel the anxiety already setting in. They glance back at me for just a moment before refocusing on their drinks.

What’s one more stab of the knife? Be puts a hand on my shoulder and guides me to my staircase. Once upstairs we sit side by side on the floor in front of the TV.

“I know you aren’t ‘fine’ so this time when I ask how you are be honest. So, how are you Eric?” she pushes.

“It’s just… When we were talking about the bucket list I guess I realized that Dr. Jen might be right. Plus all those people, that little boy beside us, what am I going to do if you get that bad? How am I supposed to go back to school or graduate without you?

“You are more than just my best friend Be, you’re my family and I don’t know how to keep going if you leave me. Who would I have left if you are gone? You know what my mom and dad are like, you saw them downstairs! How am I supposed to live like this with no one to talk to? I’ll miss you,” I ended quietly.

Be’s arms wrapped around me. My chest has constricted so badly I can’t breathe. My head rests on Be’s shoulder; I feel exhausted from bringing my fears out in the open.

“What about you Be, are you okay?” I check. I know I am stressed and I’m not even the patient. I have no idea how Be must be feeling right now.

“Of course I’m worried about how things will end up. I try to think about how great I’ll feel if I survive this but the other part of me wonders what will happen if I don’t make it. What will my dad do? He already lost mom and now he could lose his only child. Dad always said he felt like mom was still alive because I was there but I might not be here much longer.

“Then there is you. I want you to go back to school this year, that way you can graduate, and some day you will go to college just like you have always wanted to. My death shouldn’t get in the way of your dreams. I wish I could have a few more years so I know you don’t give up just because of the way your parents are.

“I want to know what to expect when I die, maybe then I won’t feel so scared. Will I just cease to exist? Then I would never know what happens to the people I care about. What if I stay here on earth as a spirit forever? That way I could see what happens to you and dad but I could never interact with you all. It seems almost cruel to show me the world and say I can’t be a part of it anymore.” Be’s monologue ends just as her shoulders begin to shake.

“Everyone will be okay. I’ll even check on your dad if you want me to. Shh,” I try my best to comfort Be as she cries. I wish that there was something I could do for her, like kill cancer.

“I have something I need to add to the list,” Be hiccups.

I shuffle to get the list out of my back pocket and leave Be to grab a pen off my nightstand. I hand her the unfolded list with the writing utensil on top. She scribbles for a moment and looks at me before returning the list.

“I want you to keep it with you so it doesn’t get lost,” she insists. “I added Zorbing first; I always wanted to walk on water in a hamster ball.”

We laughed and I reviewed her additions to the list. “You want to take a Psychology class?” I ask.

“I don’t know it’s something I wanted to take in college. I know that I won’t get to go to college but I still want to take a class if I can,” she explains.

“I guess that makes sense, as long as I get to take it with you,” we smile in harmony and things seem bright for just a moment. Then the joyous atmosphere is broken when I see her last addition to the bucket list. “You don’t want to fall in love?”

“I can’t have anyone else get attached to me because I’m not going to be here too much longer. It isn’t fair for me to ask someone to love me knowing that I can’t give them a real relationship,” she seems upset but I can tell that her mind is made up.

I feel my heart sink into my stomach. I’d always been the best friend and never the boyfriend. I thought this year I could change that; then there was cancer, chemo treatments, and now this. I have almost lost hope entirely. I decide to change the topic quickly and we start browsing Netflix for a good movie. Maybe this will take my mind off the list.

Two hours later, just after the credits for Tangled began to run, Be’s dad is here to pick her up. I see her downstairs and wave goodbye from the door way. My parents were gone, probably eating out for dinner, again.

I settled back into my bed to pick a new movie. The last credits for Tangled are still playing when I switch back to browse my favorite movies. I don’t know what I want to watch but I do know that Tangled didn’t take my mind of Be’s bucket list.