If She Fall

Part VII

Y/N has been holding my hand since the very beginning. She would squeeze it multiple times everytime my voice cracks. She made me feel I am not alone, she listens to me and did not give me that pity look I always get from the other people I know. The warmth of her hands help the coldness inside of me melt. Her presence wash away all the anxiety building up. Her smile give me some assurance that everything will be alright, that I will get through it, that I am strong. That I can withstand anything, that I, myself, can be invincible as well.

"Hey. It's okay. Take a deep breath." Her eyes are full of worry and it breaks my heart seeing her like that. "I'll get you a glass of water to help you calm down." I try stoping her but she immediately stand up not noticing on how I tried to reach for her hand. She comes back after some minutes and hand me a glass of water. "Drink up, please." She said almost in a plea, leaving me with no choice but to take a sip.

Silence surrounds us and the only thing we could hear was the low-pitched sound of the air-conditioner and my ragged beating. I let out a sigh and met her eyes. "Yoongi-"

"She kept me as her little secret—" I cut her off and the words that came out of my mouth almost choked me making it hard for me to speak. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second. "...we were together with all the fantasies and the impossible that became realities when her eyes landed on me. Somewhere deep within those days where nobody can steal her from me, but time. The world blessed me with her smiles and laugh that my friends wondered if there was a girl behind all of that. I still remember all the tender kisses we shared within the sheets and all the memories that came right after. She let me love her and all her faults and made me believe that what we have won't fade away. But I was wrong, Y/N. I was completely wrong. She suddenly left and I was left alone with nothing but a broken heart."

"And it was never your fault. Never was. Never will." Her eyes shine and it almost blinded me. "You just love her and she did love you but the timing isn't right for the both of you and that's why it hurts you."

"And maybe it was my fault as well." I said and a deep sigh escaped my mouth, "I agreed to be kept hidden, so when the pain takes over me, no one was the bad one, no one pointed their fingers on her, no one will ever know on how much crushed and empty and lost I was. Maybe to the people who knew, they can say she had loved me more than I ever did. She let me love her in silence and made me, us, pretend I will not die in her arms at the very moment that love fades away."

Y/N remain silent. She is just looking at me, letting me speak to my heart's content, allowing me to be my true self. Her presence gives me comfort and I am glad I listened to Jin hyung once again.

"So, when the pain takes over me completely that time, she didn't have to spend a second with explanations to people she does not owe. I was left alone to wipe the tears she had left me. I don't even have the freedom to scream and shout through the storm she planted in my heart. So I let myself drown in a party mix of loud music and strong alcohol and just let people think I was celebrating liberty." I let out a fake chuckle lace with remorse and pain. "No one knows I am celebrating a bruised and broken heart all by myself."

"Yoongi, it's okay. You don't have to be too hard on yourself. You don't have to pretend it's okay when literally it's not. I won't tell you to forget the pain because your feelings are valid. No one should tell you otherwise. All I want is for you to let go. To set it free. You don't have to loosen the grip too sudden. You don't have to throw something you still can't. It takes time. Everything takes time. It's either you choose to slowly let go so that you can be prepared or hold on even when the thorns will cut you deep." She kneel down to match the level of my eye. "I want you to choose yourself. To heal yourself, to love yourself and to trust yourself once again. That's the only thing you can do right now."

"But it's hard Y/N. It's still hard... for me." I brushed my hair backward out of frustration. "I still remember everything when the pain takes over me. I want to scream and shout through the storm she planted in my heart. To drown in a party mix of loud music and strong alcohol and let people see how shattered I am but I can't." My voice cracked and I hate how vulnerable I am right now.

"No one says it is easy, Yoongi." She cups my face and wipe the tears off my face. "Remember that the world we live in is here for you and not against you. We are here for you. When the nights become difficult and your sadness fills you to the brim, let yourself remember that there’s an entire world waiting to be had beyond your windows." She smiled at me. "When worries for the future and toxicities from the past keep you from being happy, look at the dome of the sky. Whatever color it chooses to show you, appreciate it. Appreciate the fact that we’re under such an expansive masterpiece that feels the same we do. Remember what the sky teaches, as well. It’s never just one color and not one view."

"But everytime I look up the sky all I can see is emptiness. So I stop looking at them." I look up to the ceiling thinking on how hard it is for me opening up once again. The wounds of my past are still as fresh as it was before like it just happened yesterday. "She resembles the sky, Y/N. And I was one of those clouds who keep chasing her just to be near her. It was tiring but it didn't matter because it was her. But she was so far away that no matter how fast I try to run I can not keep up. So I stopped and she never noticed that."

Her hands find their way on my hands, giving me a reason to look at her. "No, you are wrong. Yoongi, the sky is you. You are the sky. You are never just your sadness. You are never just your worries. You are never just your happiness either. There are molecules binding to make up the entirety of you. You are so much more. So much grander. The world isn’t out to destroy you. Find peace with it. In it. It’s the only one we have available to us. And when things get irretrievably horrid, remember that the universe awaits you. Your worry exists as a measly thought. Your soul, your existence, it resembles the significance of an entire galaxy. So please, never let the fragments of the past break you."

Y/N, I want to thank you for teaching me the opposite of disappearing. I had grown accustomed to the darkness, built myself a house with windows that did not open and close, in the shadows, that’s where you found me. When all my maps no longer pointed the way home, and all the street signs have faded into their canvas, the paint peeling off their faces, that’s when you told me that I no longer needed to look for a place where I could fit myself in because I was home myself.

You made me realize that being lost sometimes can lead us into a place more beautiful than what we picture out it would be. Thank you for leading me back home to where I should belong.

I can still remember the first time we met, my hands opened like doors for you, as if they’ve been waiting to do this all their lives; they just haven’t found yet the right person to let in. Until you knocked. Until you showed up in the doorway with a smile, as if a child’s that it was impossible for me to turn away.

And now you made me see that I was still holding a flicker in my hands and I now choose to let it burn. To light my own way home. And I promise you that I will never stop believing in it even when darkness comes my way again. I will turn this flicker into a torch light. And perhaps one day, it’ll turn into something more. Like a small sun on earth, that can never be put out again. Just like you.