Cranberry Vodka (Billie Eilish)

-33-

Bil: Can we please talk?

*opened three days ago*

"Honey can you get your sister please? Dinner is ready," my mum asked gently.

"Sure," I replied lost in thoughts.

I came home late from dance practice that day. My shower was turned on so hot, I was even surprised I wasn't boiled alive. I stayed longer than necessary, and straight up went to sleep.

Two hours later I still could fall asleep and I noted angrily that my thoughts were still wandering off to Billie.

Half an hour later I've had enough. I decided, that she owed me an explanation so I could finally move on. I got out of bed, didn't bother to change, as I sneaked out of the house.

I took the bus to Billie's house and I knocked on her window.

"Casey," she looked at me in surprise. "What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night"

"I want you to give you the chance to tell me the full truth, without lying to me anymore, so I can move on." I explained coldly.

She hesitated and I almost walked away again, before she climbed out of the window and silently handed me a jacket to put over my bare shoulders.

"Fine, but let's go somewhere else, okay?" She said and I followed her for about ten minutes to a parc. We sat down in the grass and I expectantly looked at her.

"What exactly do you wanna know?" Billie asked unsure and I could tell she was afraid of the answer.

"Everything," I explained monotonously. "What happened that night I saw you with these guys, why did you try to protect me, from what? What kinda business are you in and" I paused, "why you did this to me," I said, but my voice cracked. I collected myself again quickly and Billie sighed unsure, before she began talking.

"That night, when you saw me. Minutes before, something has happened. These men saw you and you acted so weird, I was afraid they were gonna do something to you because you were a witnesses."

"A witnesses? For what? I didnt even see anything, I was just worried about you, that's why I stood there so long"

"I know, but they were scared you might have seen something. They just succeeded their biggest delivery minutes before you came" She explained calmly.

"Delivery?" I asked confused, but still acting cold.

"Smuggle," she said and I could tell she stopped breathing that moment, probably afraid of my reaction. "Weapons in particular."

I took a second to process what she has just said. "So you're a smuggler?" I asked in shock.

She nodded and I noticed a tear escaping her eye. "A few weeks after my dad came to prison, these columbian men broke into our house and searched it everywhere," she explained. "Apparently they did not find what they were looking for, so they threatened me and my brother. If we wouldn't tell him where those diamonds were-my dad must have stolen them-he would kill us," she gulped. "We had no idea what he was talking about, but they were pointing a gun at us. I was just a kid." She paused to collect her thoughts again.

"My brother offered to work for them so he'd pay them back, and they agreed. He insisted that I stayed out of it, but they saw an innocent little girl as the perfect opportunity. Since then we've been doing the dirty work for them."

I did not know what to say. That was way worse than I imagined.

"We eventually managed to work all the money off-"she continued-"but getting out was not as easy as getting in. It took us months and a lot of sacrifices to finally be able to leave them," she explained.

I was shocked and didn't know how to react.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks right now. "You're one of the only persons who know that. I told you, I'm not a good person to be around, I know I should have stayed away from you, but I couldn't resist anymore" she sniffed.

I still didn't know anything closely appropriate to say, so I just hugged her, but she seemed to freeze and quickly pulled herself away from me. "Please don't, don't you see what kinda person I am? I have blood on my hands," she said as even more tears were escaping her eyes. 

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, caressing her back, as I began to tear up as well.

"You don't understand. I was selling the weapons to bad people, I knew it , yet I still did it"

"It's not your fault"

"People were killed" she sobbed.

"Not your fault," I repeated a little louder and took her in my arms again. This time she let me and didn't push me away. I felt her shaking and we stayed silent for few minutes.  "How old were you when it started?" I asked carefully.

"13"

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry you had to go through that"

Suddenly something seemed to click in her and she snapped out of her emotions, distancing herself from them.

"Anyways, it's in my past now. I managed to leave that life behind me and so far it's going really well. I'm sorry for being a burden to you right now with my problems," She said and abruptly freed herself from my hug.

"You're not," I said and gently wiped her tears away . "You didn't deserve to go through this"

"My brother Finneas really got me through it. I think you met him before, haven't you?"

"Yeah, he picked us up the other night, but I don't really think he liked me to be honest."

"No he did, he just knew the way I felt about you and predicted that it wasn't the best idea. He was right."

"What do you feel about me then?" I asked cautiously.

"I," she started. "I- The thought of you being with someone else makes me sick," she finally said

"why didn't you tell me earlier?" I asked hurt.

"I didn't think it would get to this point honestly and I never imagined that you could feel the same way. So I made it a game," she admitted.

"I don't- I mean I- I'm with Kacper," I stammered. "I don't like you like I like him," I said, not knowing who I tried to convince. "I wanna be with him"

She stayed silent for a few seconds, probably trying to steady her voice again, before she replied. "I know! And I'm not expecting anything from you. A relationship wouldn't be an option anyway. You know I don't want that shit" she laughed nervously.

I felt betrayed, like she used me and even though a relationship is not what I wanted, it hurt to know that she didn't even see it as an option. I wasn't good enough for her.

"Yeah I Know. Thank you for telling me the truth, I'm glad you're safe now, but I think it's best if we both go our own way for now." I said.

"I understand," she said with tears in her eyes, as I got up and walked away.

As soon as I arrived at home I started crying. What did that all mean? She likes me, but then she doesn't at the same time. Her past story made me cry even more.  Why did she had to go through all that and I had no idea, I did nothing to protect her.