Hung Up On The Stars • ChenJi

four

Growing up, jisung deduces, sucks. Being an adolescent is probably more difficult than being an adult, he thinks. He develops oily skin all over the body with constant sweating and pimples and marks blocking his face. Jisung observes many psychological changes in himself. He is often displeased and filled with displeasure by the family events. His grandmother probably hasn't changed, too old to get even older, he explains himself. His brother becomes more isolated from him and falls into the circle of new friends. Jisung likes them though. They are quite chill and less weird than Jaemin. Renjun, who was also Chenle's cousin, met Jaemin at their new school and the slightly taller boy named Jeno.

When he first saw Jeno, he was intimidated by his appearance but the smile and compassionate personality of his always succeeded to make jisung feel welcomed. He didn't know much about them because they met only a few times. Renjun, on the other hand, was sweet and salty in his ways, sometimes innocent, making all the dirty jokes flowing over his head but he was equally resourceful and stern in his actions. But all the more, he found him very interesting with the comforting familiarity of their similar interests about space and the universe. Renjun called him cool for his age and Jeno always complimented his openness and his habit of not shutting up.

Jisung has got new friends too, Sungchan and Shotaro, along with Chenle. Every now and a while, four of them hang out in the corridors or canteen with shared snacks and stories. Shotaro was a new Japanese student and jisung swore to god, his Korean was poorer than Chenle's. However, his cute attempts to fill in words amazed everybody and became the source of laughter for all of them. With the constant evolution of their brains, they got well along with each other. Sungchan was the tallest of them all and the crackiest of all of them.

That boy invites struggles without hesitation and way on top of the world, always up to challenges. His chaotic nature brought fun and frustration to the group and all three of them are always closer than two atoms to push him off a cliff for the mess he creates. However, he is sweet and handsome, Jisung deduces. Despite his associations with all the people around the school and neighborhood, he is stable enough to constrict all the bad habits into himself. Considering all the sappy stuff teenagers and adolescents do, Jisung considered themselves very sane.

It was obvious to consider that he was closer to Chenle than the rest of the two because of their time-bound relationship. Chenle was too much with him to hardly notice any changes induced in him. Only the very few pictures depict the nostalgia of what feels like to be young. In all these years, they fought and made up more times than the number of hair strands on his grandmother's head. Nevertheless, they never decided to leave each other behind no matter what the circumstances prompted them to.

Chenle has outgrown his interest in basketball, piano, and singing in general. Jisung thinks he might be some child prodigy.

The behavioral problems he has drives him insane. But more than that was the literal tantrums thrown by his family members towards him. He loves them, he loves his grandmother too despite his dislike in his younger age; and that's when Jisung realizes that maybe childhood is not a completely pleasing age all the more due to the foolish acts driven by resentment and sometimes jealousy, although very short-lived. He understands that it's his father's responsibility to take care of his grandmother just like how he has to take care of his mother, his brother, and himself.

But sometimes, the confusion of whether his love towards his grandmother is instigated by his affection or obligation troubles him. He had no special connection with his father or grandmother and the hesitation to start a conversation after being continuously avoided for several years seemed way beyond impossibly tough. Nevertheless, he is dissatisfied with everything.

Jisung makes a few jokes with his brother and mother. Although, he restricts himself from speaking too much to his mother because of slipping inappropriate sentences, blame his puberty. However, his brother teases him at the very moment he can. From his dumb behavior sometimes, urge to shed tears at the least sad moments like watching stupid shin chan. "Who even cries for that round face?" Jaemin would say.

However, he is still normal with his brother having more of a brother-like relationship than a friendly one. They were two years apart which means that Jaemin was just in the second year of high school. Jisung doesn't feel the interest in growing up anymore but god forbid, he wasn't pleased with what he has now. Getting stuck at the weird stage of life would jail him leaving no option for escaping except to end it.

Jaemin, however, proves to be a source of major second-hand embarrassment among his peers and parents. He had a huge interest in taking pictures of nature, family, and friends. Jisung labels him as the most unpredictable person on the planet with constant mood swings; he doesn't understand when he becomes the wisest, stupidest, weirdest, kindest or most aggressive, or saddest. Jisung hasn't seen Jaemin crying many times. Probably, because he doesn't cry that much at all. He is much more mature, isolated, noisy, silent, certain, and much more of everything Jisung is. However, he is sometimes disturbed by the amount of cleanliness he has. They often fight which results from Jisung creating a huge pile of mess on the bed, chairs, and washroom.

It's quite their personality to be very different from each other but somehow the momentary actions initiate quarrels between. The longest argument they had was probably when Jisung was fourteen which caused them not to speak with each other for nearly a week. He thanks goodness that they were not too much of noobs to prolong the fight and got sorted out without even proper confrontation or a mere 'sorry'; what's even a sorry between siblings? Both of them think but they don't say much to each other.

Another thing that bothered Jisung was Jaemin's touchy personality. He uses practically more than half of the bed space thereby pushing Jisung almost on the verge of the bed, or worse, which causes him to be packed in Jaemin's arms. Sometimes, he makes a puking expression to mock him but Jaemin pays no heed to that. Even in the conscious state, Jaemin bothers him too much by pinching his face, particularly his cheeks and sometimes kissing them too. Others misinterpret it to be deep affection but Jisung swears it to be nothing more than nitpicking. Jaemin does that only because Jisung absolutely hates it to the core of the earth.

The growing stage of Jisung shows a dramatic curve but it's sliding down instead. He gets disputed randomly and loses his mind unpromoted by any conditions. However, rethinking his state confuses him if not consuming him. Sometimes, he just stupidly thinks of all the bad stuff that happened other than the routine events. He hasn't lost any dear ones, his grandfather passed away before Jisung attained birth. But because of that, he thinks that maybe the future is planning a big hole of problems for him to dive into. His introverted personality ended up being both a blessing and curse somehow but he wished to live a life devoid of any forces holding him back or the possible regrets coming way through.

Jisung doesn't remember the last time when he talked properly to his father and highly doubts if there has been any. And despite everything, small insignificant things trouble him. He wonders why he becomes so absent all the time but is too much unknown to blame anybody or anything. So he blames him instead. He becomes too conscious of himself and meticulous to make all the things work. Pressurizing himself has become a coping mechanism for being the self culprit and family isolation became the means of escape mechanism for the self victim.

But again, as bad as it sounds, he isn't so unhappy. Just a little unhappy. Just a little displeased. Just a little displeased. Just a little unhealthy. Just a little lacking. Just a little dishonest.

He still enjoys his time with his friends and favorite shows and applauds himself for not being the shit he could become.

Regardless of everything, Jisung can still handle it, it's not unbearable until it becomes one.

~tbc~