Hung Up On The Stars • ChenJi

six

The evening glory of the red sky with the sun setting provides comfort to Jisung and occasionally, with Jaemin's permission, he takes the camera and clicks a few random pictures of the sky. He wasn't any professional or passionate about photography like his brother, but he enjoyed taking pictures of the things he would find pretty. Like the raindrops, the night sky, rainbow, or sometimes candids of children.

When he looks at children, he misses the feeling of being free of restrictions and all the boundaries imposed on him. As stupid as it sounds, he mocks his younger self for wanting to grow up.

"What type of fool was I to think 'this' would probably be nice to experience?"

He nonetheless brushes off those thoughts anyway. It was too packed to think about the past or future.

He just wanders around his room feeling lazy to complete his work and already tired to move even if he didn't do much. Reaching the corridors, he sees his mother moving continuously from the kitchen to the hall, just busy with all the chores; even seeing her state his grandmother was not giving a goddamn break to the woman; asking her to relax is a farther option.

"Just leave her for some time, damn," is what Jisung thinks but when was he ever able to say anything?

His recollection of memories says that the last time he answered back to his parents with a high volume with proper aggression and unhappiness display was nowhere to be found. Typical Asian household set of rules. He always wonders why his parents are so displeased by him; from what he knew, jisung gave his best although not being the total best. He was kept secretive about the family matters just by excusing themselves with the argument of Jisung being too young to intervene. But, when it's the time of action, suddenly he becomes a family member and is held accountable for not being responsible enough.

Responsible for what? Trying his best?

If anything, they are responsible for Jisung losing his mind now and then.

Another issue that bothered him was the comparison between the two brothers. 'Jaemin this Jaemin that' but 'Jisung nothing'. His father was mostly to blame for this. Most of the issues that trouble Jisung are probably from his father, he thinks. His grandmother has just a bad habit of not shutting her mouth in decent times and being authoritative at his mother, or else, she is at least bearable or even ignored thinking it's not too important.

His mother tries her hardest to be fair with both of her sons and sometimes casually talking with her, solaces him. He trusts his mother and sometimes cries on her shoulder from all the sadness pouring on him. All the more, she listens to him, but still, some sort of hesitation yanks him back from restoring all his problems to her. But he appreciated her effort although never vocalized it to her. When the nights get heavy or when he is sick, she would sleep beside him as a sign of reassurance and kisses him on the forehead. Even though he resents skinship from his peers and brother, his mother's hugs and kisses healed him sometimes.

He likes his father too, not that he is bad all the time, just different from all others. He liked everything when his mood was fine but sometimes he was just too unpredictable. He doesn't understand it becomes like a situation he can't come out of, he just doesn't get it. The wilderness just comes as an uninvited feeling and goes back now and then, and then later comes back. But still, he believes he is not a bad person, just not a sufficiently good parent.

When he comes to the sofa where everybody sits and watches the football world cup, the old lady speaks up, "Oh mister, quite early today? Did the sunrise in the west?"

Here we go again.

"Why is it so difficult for you to mind your business and not plunge into others' matters for once in the lifetime at least?"

"Watch your tongue, Jisung," his father answers back.

Jisung just scoffs unbelievably with the sound of cheers contrasting the muffle inside his head inducing a familiar pang in the chest from all these years. He looks at the screen with upsetting feelings and narrowed vision; the silence is restored once in a while when Jaemin decides not to throw his commentary and when they clap their hands to remark the appreciation of the splendid performance. The suspense in the game was similar to the uncertainty of Jisung's intentions but Jisung could notice the absence of thrill in them. Excitement is the lack implying poorer interest and productivity in his work.

It wasn't the first time this happened, all the things that made him go insane came back over, and a few winter nights proved to be the most terrible for him. Watching his brother's closed eyelids with long eyelashes coming down his eyes having a peaceful sleep and the moonlight from inside the room through the window was not tough but getting through the day with minimal sleep was definitely difficult with the periodical headaches and zero energy to work.

The winter made the condition only worse, the snow and cold made him lazy; dissolving himself in the bed. Wearing too many layers irritated him and made him look weird because of the growing weird body structure. His hips sometimes grew thicker but sometimes he appeared skinny in other clothes. The burden to take care of his body physique urged him to wear too tight clothes or better stay at home. He forgot to wish Shotaro a birthday despite getting a reminder from Chenle just the previous day. When he apologized, Shotaro said that "it is absolutely fine, dude. One day you forgot about, won't determine our friendship"

Fuck puberty.

This is what he thought most of the time.

~tbc~