I Wish

Chapter Twenty Six

Chapter Twenty Six

     After I had calmed him down, I got Niall back in the van so we could go to the airport to drop him off. This time, my mum drove because my licence didn't allow me to drive on the highway. I sat in the back seat with Niall and my sister sat in the front beside my mum leaving Emma and Jess in the middle.

     We spent the three-hour road trip (which we had all basically memorized because we had driven it so many times) listening to music and talking about everything and nothing all at once.

     When we got to the airport, it finally clicked that Niall was going on tour for ten months. He would be gone from now until the end of May. Ten months without him. Seven of which I'd have a baby to take care of. Without him. I didn't even want to think about being without him. I'd just gotten him back. Eleanor, Perrie, and Danielle told me how hard it was living without the one person you never wanted to leave the side of. They told me that minutes felt like hours and days felt like years. I didn't want that. I had been five months without him before. I didn't want to double that. I didn't even want to go half that long without seeing him. But I had to.

     But not all the things the other girls told me were negative. They told me that when they saw the boys again after being so long apart, it was the best feeling in the world. Eleanor said that no feeling compared to it, none even came close. I looked forward to that, but I wondered to myself how I could possibly be happier than when I was with him. Ten months without him was just ten months of wasted happiness that would never be used. I hated the thought of being without him. I hated the thought of leaving him. The thought of being apart from him. I hated any thought that wasn't being in his arms every second of my life. I knew he'd be okay without me, that wasn't the part I was worried about. Call me selfish, but I didn't want to feel the same sadness I felt the first time he left me ever again.

     In my mother's arms, I watched Niall's plane take off into the sunny sky. He was gone. That was it. My ten months started now. In 297 days, I'd get to hold him in my arms again. 297 days. That sounded like a long time. I didn't want to think about being alone for so long. I didn't even want to think about being alone at all. I tried to think about something else but my mind kept finding its way back to Niall. 297 days was a long time. Emma told me to say it as ten months rather than 297 days because it sounded like less time. I told her however I said it, it was still eighty percent of a whole year. Eighty percent. That's a long time. Somehow I only ever got twenty percent. If I lived to be eighty years old, only twenty percent of my life would have been spent without a child. Only twenty percent of One Direction had just performed a free concert. Only twenty percent of the next 365 days of my life would be spent with Niall. I started to hate the number twenty.

     I cried the entire ride home. Jess and Emma sat with me in the back of the van and tried to comfort me but it didn't work. Nothing they did cheered me up. I thanked them for trying and pretended that they'd made me feel better but they saw right through me. They knew that there was only one thing that would make me happy and they couldn't give it to me.

     I sat in my bedroom for the rest of the day by myself. Eleanor called around 6:00 and told me that I should eat. I wasn't hungry.

"Ayley, you have to eat something."

"I'm fine."

"What have you eaten since he left?"

"Nothing."

"It's 6:00, you need to eat."

"What am I gonna eat?"

"I don't know, food?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Yes you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes you are, you're just upset so it doesn't feel like you are."

I didn't say anything. I knew she was right.

"I've been there." She said. "I know how you're feeling right now."

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"It sucks, I know. But you'll get through it."

A tear fell onto my bed.

"You're strong."

I burst into tears. "I miss you guys so much!"

"Awwe honey, we miss you too!"

"I'm all by myself."

"That's not true!"

"Yes it is, you're all over there and I'm stuck her alone!"

"No, you've got Jess and Emma and Chelsea and all your other friends."

"You know that's not what I mean."

"I know."

'"I hate this." I cried.

"I know, love, but it'll get easier."

I wept.

"I'm not with Louis." She said. "He's with the rest of them in Liverpool."

"You're used to this." I said coldly.

"That doesn't mean I don't miss him when he leaves to go on tour."

I didn't say anything.

"Think if someone else was in your place and you were a fan. Would you want her to never let them go on tour? Then you'd never get to see him."

She was right again. She was always right.

"The girls and I will come visit you from time to time."

"Really?"

"Absolutely!"

"When?"

"You know, now and then."

"You would do that for me?" I whispered.

"Of course! Come on, you're part of the family!"

"Thank you." I cried.

"You don't have to thank me, dear! I'd love to come visit you! I've never been to Canada."

"You haven't?"

"Nope." She giggled.

We sat quietly for a moment.

"I never want to see you sad."

"Thank you."

"Now go eat something."

"Okay." I laughed causing another tear to fall.

"I'll talk to you later."

"Kay."

"I love you."

"I love you, El. Thank you."

"Awwe, you're welcome, sweetheart."

"Bye."

"Bye."

     After that, I was better. I ate properly and I didn't let anything upset me. It was hard adjusting to life without Niall but I did it. With the help of my friends (new and old) I made life bearable. Eleanor, Perrie, and Danielle visited like Eleanor promised and Niall called once a week and let me speak with all of the boys. It was nice knowing that they wanted to talk to me just as badly as I wanted to talk to them. I missed them so much.

     Niall's birthday came and I wanted to go visit him but I couldn't because it was the first week of senior year in high school and I couldn't miss any class. We video chatted for hours even though my mum told me to go to bed (several times). We finally said goodbye at 3am. That was late for me on a Thursday night. Especially I had to get up at 6:00 so I could go to voice lessons in the morning. I'd survived on three hours of sleep before.

     Christmas came and went like any other. Niall was home with his family and I was home with mine. I wish I'd been able to see him for Christmas. Christmas was a time to spend with family. Niall was family and I wasn't with him. He mailed me a beautifully wrapped gift which I unwrapped on video chat with him. The box was tiny, no bigger than a two-inch cube. I pulled the bow off and tore back the paper. I was then holding in my hand a tiny jewelry box. I opened it to find a ring. I hand flew up over my mouth.