Magnus Academy: The Cursed Blood

Chapter Sixty-Eight

The Burden of Having Emotions Tear the Heart and Mind

At first, I thought I was dreaming an endless dream when I first caught the realization of my consciousness. It exists, surprisingly. Death was never that kind. To die with still my consciousness and soul intact, isn't that just worldly unfair? My sight may be distorted, but my memories aren't. The last thing I felt was the sensation of my entire body alarming as a bullet about to penetrate my chest. Despite those alarms and danger reflexes screaming at me, none of them could have actually stopped it.

Thus, I admitted my death so easily. I knew I would be defeated someday, and I didn't even think it would be that moment. But it felt right, so right I was looking forward to death--to finally have its arms wrap around me protectively--away from the constant strife and struggles, away from emotions and burdens...just away from the world. At that exact moment, I saw death flashing before my eyes. Memories of my past came running down like a broken dam, and I was unable to contain that joy and satisfaction that finally... I'll have my freedom--that finally, I'll have my peace.

But who am I kidding? I'm not dead. I'm still alive for goddamn reason why--no, scratch that. Something prevented my death, it never came and thus, I still have this burden hanging heavily upon my shoulders. When will I get to have them off, I wonder? I'm alive because it's not my time yet... but am I just going to pretend I never felt so right when I thought I would die? I thought that was it. I thought I would finally have my reprieve.

Of course, I am not allowed to even die even when the moment feels right. I am not even allowed to have silence anymore. I don't understand, but then again, thinking about those things will only make me more angry. That's why I'll have to finish this damn responsibility to get the hell what I want. If something stops me even after that...then I'll just have to destroy everything until the world itself kills me directly.

I know for a fact lying here won't finish my job though. But it's something I don't have any control of, at least not now. My body felt as though it was weighing ten times more, my bones and muscles aching all over like I've just been rolled over by boulders of rock. If that bullet wasn't able to kill me, it's most likely this headache would. My pulses are weak, a sign I'm weakened to the point I couldn't even do anything about it.

My eyelids felt heavy, like I could just stay here and sleep for eternity and it wouldn't even fix my broken constitution. It was only then I felt my sense perceptions return, my skin tingling because of the soft foam of something smooth beneath me. I also hear the constant beeps of something pulsating, as well as smell of antiseptics circulating. The air felt cold against my skin, but somehow, I could feel the warmth radiating around me.

I couldn't get a hold of anything else, but I made an effort to move my fingers after realizing they're the only ones I can control at the moment. Numb, my entire body is. Like I have been underneath water for far too long I actually forgot to breathe. Perhaps that's the reason why I feel some kind of mask around my nose down to my mouth, the oxygen coming from it directly going down to my system. But breathing's also becoming painful, too painful, as though every heave of my chest up and down would prick my heart.

"Ke'ala."

Strange. I hear a familiar voice, I feel a familiar presence and yet... I sense no emotions. It felt hollow, like I've just been deprived of something that had been making me whole. Emotions, I have learned to live a life in a way that make emotions my connection to others. I can hold them through it but they cannot hold me the same.  It's what having power feels like.

A person may have it, use it for others in different reasons--but others will not be able to use it against them. There are different kinds of power in this world, and only one amongst all of it is considered as true. One may meet others with the same power, but only one of them would truly be considered as more powerful--an elimination of some sort, and that's why having it is a lonesome thing. Because it means one is isolated, for true power is not shared.