Loki's Pain

Chapter Twenty-Six- Time Passes, Anger Grows

"Ash...." Loki breathed, his voice almost inaudible, both his hands pressed against the cold surface as if he might phase thru it if he concentrated hard enough. Ash had sat down on his bed, an almost fearful expression on his face, but once he heard Loki's voice his eyes lit up. He jumped up and ran towards the wall, his own hands soon pressed to the inside of the glass under Loki's own. "Loki..." He whispered back, his eyes scanning all the evidence of Loki's suffering as if cataloging each and every one, and grew even more concerned with each new discovery. "Too thin...far too thin..." Ash said softly, "Loki...please, take care of yourself, ...for me? If something happens to you because of me...." Ash's voice choked up, "I don't think I could take it."

"No! No....not because of you. I've been trying. I promise. But it's hard.... I want you safe. I want you free of this cell..." Loki said gruffly, his own voice almost choked by emotion. "It is good to see you...."

"I wish...." Ash began, only to trail off, afraid his words might hurt Loki more. 'I want to hold him...I miss his arms around me...' Ash thought, but was afraid to say so, 'He comforts me as much as I do him... I wonder if he realizes that...?'

Loki stared at him with eyes full of both hope and fear, and Ash wanted to reach out and sooth the fear from his face. The glass wall between them had never frustrated him more than in that moment. The feeling of the other in his mind, trying to use that very frustration against him only added to his irritation and anxiety. Somehow he was able to beat the Bot back, and shove him into a deep, dark corner of his mind, but it was far more difficult than he would have liked. Unlike Bucky, it wouldn't take someone uttering a few words to push him over the edge, only his own loss of control over his emotions, and the full realization of that left him terrified. It was a vicious circle, the more he feared a loss of himself, the more likely it was to happen.

He forced his mind away from those thoughts, and did his best to control his fear, not wanting to give the Bot any openings.

"I'm sorry..." They both muttered at the same time, feeling the need to apologize for things neither could have really prevented. A moment later, Ash chuckled at their timing.

"It isn't your fault. It's mine." Ash stated, "I should have told someone what I was hearing, but I didn't.... I didn't want to worry anyone and I thought it was just...."

"In your head?" Loki interjected, a hint of a laugh in his voice.

"Well...yeah." Ash laughed back, a small smile on his lips.

"I should have realized something was wrong...the long pauses, the small flinches, the haunted expressions...." Loki argued then, only to be interrupted by Ash.

"All typical behaviors associated with trauma...which we had both just experienced in spades. There was no way you could have known that there was any more to it... Loki, this is not your blame to bear, it's mine." Ash told him, trying his best to convey his utter sincerity, "And I can not tell you how much I regret the pain I have caused you, and everyone else, because of my failure.... I should have told someone, anyone what was happening....if I had..."

Ash had to stop there, his voice cracking with his barely suppressed emotions. He pulled away from the glass, turning away from Loki so he would not see the tortured look on his face.

"Ash." Loki called softly, afraid he was losing him again when he saw his shoulders shaking.

"I've hurt so many people..." Ash said, his voice quiet, but filled with obvious tears, "Adam, Peter, you, Tony,.... Bucky even...."

"No. That is on Thanos and Maw, not you..." Loki tried to comfort him.

"But... It isn't. Not really." Ash replied, turning to look Loki in the face at last, the sheer guilt on his face leaving Loki speechless, "Adam is on me. I chose to hurt him. And Peter, you, and Tony... if I had told someone about the voice from the start, then I would be blameless, but I didn't. I tried to deal with it alone, and I failed. So I am as much at fault for the pain it caused as they are. Bucky.... I remind him of himself..."