Parts of Falling In Love

Shoulders

Kristof

September 18, 2016

My lower body went numb when I tried to run after you. I remember the first time we met. The same thing happened. I tripped. I fell. But this time I wished it was because of that carrot suit or of my clumsiness when I am around you.

I had been going back and forth to the hospital every Saturday, the days you have to hang out with your family.

ALS- Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis

You don't know how much I wish it would just mean age, location, and sex. I am not even joking.

I wish this disease never existed on earth. 

My clinical trial was supposed to get me cured by now, or at least make me stronger. Doctors tell me it is working but after what happened, I know there's something wrong. I tried to shake it off, thinking it was just because of exhaustion or fatigue. 

I had been having a few hours of sleep because the thought of seeing you, talking to you, being with you the next day keeps me awake every night. Maybe you're giving me anxiety. But it's the best kind of anxiety, making me think of jokes, topics, questions, anything that can keep a conversation with you going.

I love talking to you. I love hearing you laugh and seeing you smile. But most of all, I love being beside you to give your head a shoulder to lean on as we sit in silence, a silence that I believe says the most of what we have. 

I just wish I can choose not to stop being with you.

This pain and anxiety keeps crushing me inside but I promise that nothing can phase me and stop me from being with you as long as I can.

I know you say promises are meant to be broken. 

I say, my promise, this promise, is an exception.

I know nothing of love but I know that what I feel for you is something worth fighting for.

Maybe, it's love; Maybe, it's friendship.

All I know is that I am hoping you're feeling the same way about me.

I am gonna see the doctors again soon. Whatever happens, I'll try to be optimistic. You may not be aware but It is what you've taught me, Katie.