noun: someone; a person (more so woman) who puts forth the less fortuitous before themselves in compassions of nurturing and honoring the distinct.
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BEYONCÉ KNOWLES
Die with you.
It surely felt like the days were flying by faster now that I was spending ample amounts of time in Onika's presence. It was scary, realistically speaking; a week had passed, and waking up every morning just to fall asleep every night right beside her felt like the big commitment of all time to a human— in love, I guess you could say.
Don't get me wrong, I loved it. It was the ultimate rush of my young and inexperienced tie with commitments as far as loving someone else and trying to do better for myself while accepting the help from someone else. This relationship with Onika had been nothing like I expected it to be way back when we first met. In fact, I don't recall thinking as optimistic as I do now, back at the beginning of the year.
Truthfully, I figured my continuous pressing would bring us to a speedy relationship. You know, the young and careless ones where we'd both be so attached to the label rather than a real connection, that all the things that really mattered would be overlooked. I'll admit, I know my age had a lot to do with the way I acted out early on but I thank God Onika was the way she was then and still is now.
We haven't been together for that long for me to admit this to her, and knowing me, I liked to be as open with my intimate emotions more than being open with anything else. Some are probably thinking it's weird enough, but if you knew me and understood why I was always so easily attached to those who showed me genuine love, you'd understand why I never shy away from expressing my love for others. All my life up to here, the main people in my life who were supposed to love me unconditionally did not. And if they do, they have the oddest way of showing it.
As problematic as I was, dealing with a load of health issues in progress, that odd love was not called for. I wanted and felt like I deserved the real deal.
I want to tell Onika how appreciative of her I am this far, but God knows I was heavy on emotions. I did not want to scare her away or have her thinking she had to feel the same. Honestly, she doesn't even have to feel nearly as impacted but I know my feelings were nothing but true and raw right from the pit of my spirit.
So, I've been writing more in my journal a lot recently, stuck on an unclear thought of feelings. The first time I shared something I'd written about her to her, I almost gave myself a heart attack. But this was something I wanted to keep to myself, too afraid it was too much.
Though it was sincere, I had enough sense to pace my timing with things.
When she told me the other day that she would be around whether we ended up together years from now or turned out as friends, in the end, I knew I wanted to die with her.
