Bumps in the road | J. Puckerman (1)

Feeling

Tw: Suicidal thoughts and actions

When I went into school, Jake wasn't waiting for me in our spot. He was talking to Daniel and some other people from the football team. I could tell that something was off, but I didn't know what. They were laughing and Jake was standing there with his jaw clenched. Anytime he would move away, they would follow after him.

He looked over and saw me leaning on Blaine, and walked over giving me a quick hug then dropping his hands. I could tell that something was going on. His eyes were sad and he wasn't talking. He just wasn't him. I didn't want to say anything that I was seeing unless I needed to in order to keep him safe. I decided to just play it like a normal day until I had a better idea of where his brain was. I looked over at Blaine, who nodded. He clearly saw the same things that I did and had the same idea. I guess that's another good thing about having the same brain.

"Hey handsome," I said taking his hand, which he quickly dropped. I watched him ball up his hand and dig his nails into his palm. "Hey, hey give me your hand baby," I told him taking his hand back. I didn't need to hold his hand, and if he was having a sensory overloaded day I would've let him keep it. I took his hand because he was hurting himself and needed to be helped to keep from doing that.

He ripped his hand out of mine, "I'm fine Emily." He said in such a short and angry voice, he looked up at me and ran to the bathroom.

I thought back to the days Jake wasn't at school and wasn't answering his phone.
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I got worried about him so I asked kitty what was going on. She ignored the fact that I even exist like she always did, so I decided to call his mom. After talking to Andrea for a little while, we made a plan for Jake and I to meet at the library to talk.

"I was sick. It's fine." Were the first words he said to me when he sat down next to me.

I shook my head, "Were you Jake? You didn't answer my calls or texts and that isn't like you"

"It's fine Ems. It's really not a big deal. I promise," he said in a quiet voice. "It's whatever and I'm not putting it on you because you don't deserve to deal with it. They are my feelings and I am the only one that has to feel them." I watched him try to blink away tears fast enough that they wouldn't fall, but they were coming and he couldn't stop them.

"Do you want me to call Kitty?" I asked in a gentle voice. I figured that his girlfriend would know more than I did, so she could help him better.

After I said her name, his eyes got bigger and the tears came faster. "Okay, okay, okay. No Kitty." I said, offering my hand. "No kitty. Do you want to go sit in your car and talk a little bit?" I asked him. Personally I would prefer to feel my emotions somewhere other than a public library.

He nodded grabbed my hand, walking me out to his car. He explained everything. He told me about the way that his brain worked and the thoughts that he had. I told him that he could call me at anytime if he needed to talk to someone, and he did. I would come over and sit with him until his mom got home some nights, other times he would come over and hang out with Blaine and me.
—————
This time was different, he didn't want help and he was pushing me away, so that made me even more worried. I started running after him with Blaine close behind. Blaine caught up and met me at the bathroom, I knocked on the door. He leaned on the door so I couldn't move it, I looked at Blaine to help and he just took a deep breath to tell me to breathe.

I knocked on the door again, "Jake, can you please come talk to me?"

"No," he said, his voice audibly breaking.

I sat down outside the bathroom and slid my hand under the crack of the door, "you don't have to talk, handsome. Why don't you just come out and we can go home?"