Bumps in the road | J. Puckerman (1)

Loss

One month till graduation

We all sat in the choir room. This isn't real. This didn't happen. He wasn't gone. I looked around the room and saw the people I love, the people I never want to let go of. I felt bad for everyone. I felt bad for Kurt, for Puck, Quinn, Rachel, Santana, all of us. It wasn't fair. This isn't real. He can't be gone. I ditched my wheelchair today so I could help better, be with people better.

We walked the auditorium, hand in hand altogether. Jake, Marley, and I had to leave Blaine because we weren't in school with Finn. Blaine kissed my head and went back with the rest of the current seniors.

I held Marley's hand and leaned on Jake's shoulder while we sang. I kept a hand on my belly, I needed to keep her safe. I needed to keep her real. I needed to keep my baby with me. You can lose someone so quick, so sudden, so soon.

We all sang Seasons of Love then looked back at a picture of Finn. It had been weeks, but it still didn't feel real. He wasn't gone. He couldn't be gone.

I walked over to Santana, "hey hottie," I said with a weak laugh. I needed to keep something normal. "How are you holdin' up?"

"I'm... holding," she said putting her hand on my belly. "I can't wait to meet this little girl." Baby girl was helping everyone through this. She was life, she was a new life so we all held onto her.

Everyone was talking to her and feeling her move. Jake would lay his head in my lap and sing to her. Marley would give her little kisses and sing You Are My Sunshine. She was saving lives already. I kept a close eye on Jake with all the loss around us, I needed to make sure his brain stayed somewhat nice. I had to keep myself fed for the baby, if it weren't for her I don't know if I would be eating right now.

I put my hand on Santana's and looked up at her, "and she can't wait to meet her aunt Tana. She also knows how to tell when her aunt isn't okay, and you aren't."

She dropped her hand, "yeah Marley's barely keeping it together trying to find someone to help. She's not okay, and neither is Quinn she's barely breathing. Oh, and neither are you."

"What?" I asked, I had to be fine. Other people needed help and if I help them I won't break. If I help them I'll be fine.

"I know you, Emily," she said. "You're helping everyone, making sure everyone is eating, and trying to help more than Marley is."

I shook my head, "no I'm fine," I said taking a deep breath. "Hey, Marls? Jake's sad, can you give him hugs to help him feel better?"

Jake looked at me confused, "I'm not sa- oh, yeah Marls hugs would be great."

He luckily picked up what I was saying. If Marley felt like she was helping Jake, she would feel like she had a place. She would focus on him then let herself feel.

I looked around the room to see who I could help. Jake had Marley, Blaine and Sam had each other, Artie and Quinn were together but I should probably check in Quinn because she's not breathing too great, Santana is mad so she needs a few minutes to cool down, Puck and Kurt were talking so I can't bother them, Tina and Mike are talking so they're good. Okay, so Quinn.

I sat on the floor in front of her, I would need help getting up, but that's fine. "Hey Quinn," I said putting my hand on her stomach. "Take some nice deep breaths and make my hand go up and down."

She took one deep breath and smiled at me, "good job," I told her, grabbing onto a chair and standing up to kiss her head. "Keep taking breaths."

I took some deep breaths myself and grabbed the chair to stabilize myself. Everything hurt, Finn was dead, everything was moving so fast. I couldn't show it, more people needed to feel. Other people were grieving more, other people had it harder. I kept one hand on the chair and one hand on my belly. I was in so much pain but people needed help.

"Oh-kay, "Jake said, walking towards me. "Alright baby girl, you and I are going to go sit with Marls because you need to sit and breathe."

I shook my head, "I'm okay."

He lifted me bridal style and carried me to sit in a chair next to him. He wrapped an arm around me and one around Marley. We both cried on his shoulders, "there you two go," he said, "you're okay."

We sat there for a while and Jake helped us to the choir room. We were all supposed to sing songs that were for Finn, in honor of him, or that reminded us of him. Santana called me last night and ask if I would sing If I Die Young with her. I agreed, even though I didn't really want to.

About halfway through the song, Santana started crying into my shoulder. We stopped singing and sat down. It was only one more hour until it was time to go home. Santana was staying with Britney, Marley was going to spend time with her mom and maybe come back to the house later.

We somehow made it through the day, Jake and I walked hand-in-hand to the car. Blaine wanted to go on a quick dinner date with Sam to spend some time, so it was just Jake, baby girl butterfly, and I.

We were laying in the bed, Jake hand his hand on my belly and looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "What's up?" I asked, wiping his tears away with my thumb.

"Just, everything?" he asked, the tears still falling down his cheek. "You could die young, and even one of the healthiest people we knew died. I just... I can't. We are having a baby and bringing her into this world where she can just be taken away from us with no warning and then we never see them again. It's fucking stupid. I'm not doing it I'm fucking done," he said starting to get up from the bed.

I could see in his eyes what 'I'm done' meant. "okay, baby," I said, pulling him back onto the bed. "Come here, we are staying together with our little girl. I know you want to be done, and honestly, sometimes I do too. It's hard and it's scary that we are bringing a baby into this horrible world, but we are going to give her the best life we can. She is going to be oh so loved, and oh so cared for. She's going to be okay until she isn't. The difference between her and us is she is going to have so many people to help her get to being okay again. She isn't going to live our lives. You aren't your dad, just like Blaine and I aren't our parents. So as hard as it is and as scary as it is, we can't be all done. We have to stick together."

He didn't say anything, he didn't fight me either. He just laid back down and snuggled into my chest, kissing my belly. "she needs a name," he muttered. Before I could ask him if he had any ideas or share some of my own, I heard him snore softly. I laughed quietly and kissed the top of his head, moving on my pillow to be more comfortable. I softly hummed and rubbed his back so he felt safe. We were together as our perfect little family. There was so much hate and so much loss, but this was us and this was real.