Monster | J.JK✔️

41: You Deserve This

If I had told you about the darkness inside of me would you have still looked at me like I'm the sun?

Jungkook POV
I slam my fist against the rock hard concrete wall another time. And again a hiss escapes my lips as more pain seeps through my hand. With my eyes squinted in aggression, I now understand what they meant by how this claustrophobic cell can slowly kill. In only days I've caused enough trouble to get myself locked in a fully enclosed square cell...alone...at the back...in the dark...Trapped. With nothing more than a rusty hard bed to one corner, with a glass of water on it and a hanging square mirror on the opposite wall. I stare at the dark painted wall with tears gradually filling my eyes.

I hate this disgusting place. Filled with those demons who stare at your every movement, punishing whoever breathes too loudly. The piercing sounds of the people inside dying and wailing is enough to drive one into insanity. The smell of death reeks inside my bones, dragging me under their waters, suffocating my lungs with its intoxicated substance until I lose myself to its clutches. Cause even the darkness sucks up the light that dares to slip through the window. This place called prison meant for those serving temporary punishment for their actions but in reality - a death sentence painstakingly sucking the life out of every living soul to step inside.

But I can't give in to that yet. Gulping down the tears, my feelings of sorrow and anger battle to take over one another. I take another heavy breath in hostility and slam my fist against the wall once more, harder. It needs to hurt. Otherwise...again.

But it already hurts too much. My legs shake struggling to keep myself up as I feel bruises forming over my body from the third beating I've had three days. The worst one so far taking place just before they threw me into this lonely rotten cell. I shudder remembering the scene that took place only moments ago.
Collapsing to my knees, a hoarse cough escapes my mouth. With my hands flat against the rough concrete floor of the prison dining room, my head hangs low as everyone's eyes are on me. My skinny body shakes in vigorous pain as I cough hysterically. On and on. My hands shake struggling to support my weakening body as my coughs gets harder. I groan with sheer agony in my stomach from the impact the guard's baton had on it. Suddenly I feel a metallic taste in my mouth causing my eyes to widen only to find dark red spots drip to the ground. Blood...This is bad. Yet for some reason, it feels so right.
I made Minji cough up blood too. So it's only fair for the same to happen to me.
Whimpering, I place my hand over my stomach which I can feel swelling and bruising already. Without warning, another large swing of his baton hits my back. I scream falling lower onto my elbows from the impact of that hard wood. Sobbing helplessly on the floor in agonising pain, I'm reminded of Minji. How I hurt her for hours on end and I can't even endure 15 minutes of being hit without feeling like I'm about to faint. I hear the guard's footstep walk away from me.
No. This is not good enough. This is not enough pain. I beat Minji way more than that. I have to anger him again so he keeps going.

My fragile body vibrates begging me to let it collapse and rest. Begging me to end this hell. The hell which I've been sentenced to live in for 6 years. "You put this upon yourself Jungkook. You deserve to be punished," I grunt balling my hand into a tight fist leaning it on the wall for support. "It's your fault your here. It's all your fault!" I helplessly shout, banging my fist against the rock hard wall another time.

"Which idiot abuses the one they love huh?" I hoarsely mutter, turning my head over to the mirror beside me, staring hard into my own reflection. My eyes glare back harshly at me piercing through my body in hatred for the person I've become. "Did you really expect Minji to defend you? To love you after the hell you put her through?!"

I hastily stumble backwards staring in horror at the hideous figure through the mirror. "I'm fucking insane" I mumble remembering my ugly truth which I tried to keep hidden away. "But it's not like a had a choice to be this way!!" I abruptly scream feeling a familiar surging anger and loss of connection from my mind to my body. Turning my head around, I spot the half full glass of water on the bed. Without thinking, I grab onto it. "I don't want to be like this!" I shout roughly throwing it against the wall causing the glass to shatter over the floor as water splashes everywhere. "I don't want to be unstable!" I yell, walking backwards until my back hits the wall. Rapidly, I turn around as if it was something dangerous. My body won't let me control it. And my fist pounds hard against the wall another time. "I don't want to be a psychopath!" I yell continuously stepping backwards in the opposite direction shouting louder as my hysterical voice echos through my ears."I don't want to be a monster..."

I grasp a fistful of my hair with both hands feeling intense guilt for what I put my lover through because of my uncontrollable behaviour. "I didn't ask to be this way" I cry out loud, struggling to hold my emotions together. "Why? WHY such I did I have to be such a horrible person? Why couldn't I just love Minji the right way?
Why couldn't I just be normal..."

Taking massive gulps of air, I can't help but feel tears welling up in my eyes. Threatening to drop down but I force it not to. Slowly turning myself around, I come face to face with someone. Someone who created tension yet relief inside of me. Someone I know so well yet they seem like a stranger. Like a facade. My reflection.

"Because this is just who you are Jeon Jungkook....And you will. Forever. Be. Mentally. Insane!!!" I scream with all the flame left inside and my fist smashes the glass mirror with all the strength I could muster. The loudest 'CRASH' blasts through the room as the sharpest shards go flying everywhere.

My body collapses to the floor as searing pain erupts inside me and rockets through my veins. I finally burst into tears. Curling up my helpless body on the floor, I finally allow my tears to drop from my eyes. I lay there motionless crying my heart out. All of my mistakes, all of my wrongdoing has lead me this moment.

"Why did I hope that Minji would love someone like me..."

My eyes open and in front of me...I find it.
Perfectly laying there just calling out my name.
My eyes lock in with it.
Enticing me towards it.
As if it had a magnetic pull, drawing my hand ever so slowly to my lifesaver, my pain killer.
A large sharp piece of glass.

Without even realising it, my right hand was wrapped around this magnificent piece of glass. Everything felt dead silent as all I could do was stare at something so pure and crystal clear. Of course...it won't be clear for long. Sitting back up, I lay my left arm face up in front of me. Clenching the glass I raise my hand high towards the ceiling.
Then blast it down through my skin.

I throw my head back as a deafening scream escapes my mouth. So much so that I no longer can hear myself. All I can feel is excruciating agony. Without letting myself fully endure it, I pull the glass out of my arm. A thick layer of dark red blood covers half of it, dripping down to the floor. My arm quickly turns into a fountain of blood showering over my body. Especially when I place the tip of the glass down at the bottom of my arm and swipe it upwards a second time.

Blood splatters out. The glass flinging it across the room until red is painted on the opposite wall. My endlessly dying screams engulf the room, as the pain engulfs me. Sinking myself under its roots but I don't fight it back. There's too much to bear with. If I just help it overcome me, it will soon be over...and all the pain will be forever gone.

In no time, I had carved layers of cuts over both my arms. My eyes struggling to stay open and my hand fails to keep a tight grasp on the glass. My eyes roll back as I feel life slipping away from me.
I'm almost there. Just one more.
Taking my last massive heave of air, I grab the glass with both hands. My vigorously shaking hands bring it up to my chest....And I pierce it through to end it all.

I let out one last shriek as the shard of glass rips through my fragile skin and blood leaks from my chest.

Finally, I drop to the floor. And my eyes close unable to hold it together anymore.
I have no reason to keep going.

That very moment the cell door bursts open. "N-No!! JUNGKOOK!!!!!!"