Monster | J.JK✔️

47: Holding On

Sometimes the only reason why you keep holding onto what's making you sad is that it was the only thing that made you happy

Instead of driving back home, I changed directions rushing towards Taehyung's place. With the seat belt loosely yet tight around my stomach, the soreness was not helping me keep the emotions of today's event in. I was tired, I was drained and yet I kept my foot on the accelerator needing to get there fast before I break down any second.

Thankfully Taehyung was quick was to respond to my impatient knocking on the door. His expression looked surprised to see at the unexpected hour. "Minji!" He says always delighted to see me. "My gosh are you ok?" He asks seeing the exhaustion and devastation which I tried to hide. Before I can speak, Taehyung reaches out to hold my hand and help my stumbly body up his doorstep.

Once the two of us were seated down, I finally let it out. "He wasn't there, Taehyung. I rushed like hell to go see him! And he wasn't even there," I suddenly cried out in despair feeling shocked and fatigued.

"Slow down a moment," Taehyung quickly says with his hands up before I could go on. And so I took a deep breath before he asks, "What do you mean he wasn't there?"

"They told me that Jungkook didn't want to come to see me today. I-I think he got hurt bad. And he's hiding from me," I sniffle wiping a tear away from my eyes, trying to keep a steady inhale and exhale. A long upset groan escapes my lips as I lean down to hide my face in my hands. My body already aches from the baby and my heart aches so badly from Jungkook. I cannot imagine what he's going through. It scares me to know why he didn't come today. "I'm worried Tae. How bad it is? What if someone did something horrible to him this time?!" I exclaim in panic that rises up inside me as my breathing rapidly accelerates in a matter of seconds and my body trembles.

Taehyung's seen this before and his own concern grew, instantly taking ahold of my hand to calm me down. "Minji, he will be alright," he tries to say as I rest my hands inside his.

Gulping through the gasps of air, I shake my head. "No Taehyung. He won't. He's not big and strong like he was," I say referring to that time being abused when he was intimidating and powerful. "He's just a broken soul who doesn't understand how the world works and how to deal with himself." I pause for a moment, fearing for Jungkook's health which he can't take care of himself. The beautiful smile which used to fill his face, now replaced by endless panic and trauma. Trauma which only I can heal. But now I'm not with him. "I want to be there for him every day. All day," I say softly as slowly a tear roll down my cheek. "But I can't...Taehyung I can't do that anymore," my voice shakes as does my head.

"And that's ok Minji," Taehyung says, emphasising his words. His soothingly soft voice tries its best to calm me down. "Jungkook should understand that you two aren't living together anymore and you won't always have the time to see him."

"I know. But I feel so bad," I take a weary sigh. "It's like...the time I have on my hands in slipping away. I don't even have a proper routine anymore. Everything is overly hectic," I whine tirelessly. "Balancing out my work with my time with him. It's because I've been trying my hardest to keep seeing Jungkook which is why I'm working horribly. And because of all that stress, I feel like I'm not being a good enough mother right now. My head is spinning Taehyung," I whisper in pain with my eyes squint shut and my hands out in front of my head. I used to think things were hard before but this is the most challenging and extremely draining experience in my life.

"I can't keep up with my life...It's getting too much for me."

"Because you're going too fast, Minji. You need to slow down," Taehyung says with solicitude filling his eyes.

"But how Tae?" I whine in frustration leaning back against the sofa. "I have to turn up to work. I have to turn up to see Jungkook who sometimes isn't even there to see me. And my baby...I can't control what pregnancy is making me feel!" I cry out placing the back of my hand in on my forehead. "The stress, the depression, the mood swings, the carving, the aches," I mumble weakly listing my side effects on this which wearing out my strength to keep up with everything. 

Taehyung sighs running his hands through his hair. "Minji, I'm worried for you, for the baby. You're 5 months pregnant now...It's time you start taking my words seriously." My eyes turn back to him at his words to see Taehyung looking stern yet softly at me. " You must take care of yourself. It's not healthy for the baby if you keep stressing and running out endlessly Minji! You need to be serious about your condition now," Taehyung says in a solemn manner. "And seeing Jungkook all the time...is not helping."

I was afraid to say he was right.
This whole juggling of my life between Jungkook, work and the baby's health is slowly ruining me.

______

Jungkook

I was leaning back against the icy prison wall. The chills in my spine don't bother me anymore. It's become a part of me now. Curled up with my arms loosely hugging my knees, I keep my eyes down on my photo beside me. My lips ever so slightly curved up looking at the streak of happiness next to me.

Flashback
"Hey Kook!" She called out to grab my attention, grinning from ear to ear. "Come here," she said cutely jumping her feet into the edge of crystal clear water. I smiled widely watching as she splashed her feet along the sand and water like a little girl. The beautiful white summer dress sparkled in the dazzling shine of the sun, completely illuminating her figure in its light. For a moment I couldn't believe my eyes...it was like looking at an angel. That's what Minji was.

Thinking about those moments where every moment I spent with the love of my life was a gift. The way her smile lit up only made mine wider seeing how angelic she looks. I miss her so badly that I can't put it to words.

Those days which I get to see her through that glass wall is so precious. To get a glimpse of Minji and hear her soothing voice again. And the baby...the thought of becoming a father is surreal. I only wish...that I had never done such mistakes to land me here where I can't even be with my child.

As the days have been passing and I watch our beautiful baby grow so does Minji's exhaustion. The urge to be there with her and support her is unbearable. The last time we spent together through the glass wall which separates us, I saw something shockingly familiar.
I could see myself in her.
The way her eyes carry the deepest and heaviest of tears. Her smile which conceals the struggle it takes to put it on. Her heart that hides the darkest of pain.
And I'm reminded of the way I used to do the exact same...11 years ago. When Minji first found me, I was in the same condition. The most difficult time of my life where every day was a torture to get through.
Now Minji is going through the most difficult time of her life.

She's struggling. Struggling to keep up with her life's events. And it makes the guilt and deep regret much more intense to see how much she's hurting inside. I know I'm the fault of it. If Minji did not have to come to my aid as much she has been, half of her stress would be lifted. And she could use that time to relax and help herself.

I take a grave sigh, leaning my head up against the wall until my eyes gaze at the bare ceiling. Minji has always put me in front of herself. And still she is when she knows it's not good for her condition. With every piece left in her, she puts me over herself. But now...she can't keep doing that.
But no matter how much anyone tells her to I know she will not stop giving her all to me.

And then it hits me

Only I can save Minji from giving herself up for me. I know what I have to do.