Monster | J.JK✔️

Love's Last Sacrifice

I wish I could tell you all the things that go on in my head.
I wish I could find the right words to make you understand.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I'm so sorry.

Dear Minji,

These days in prison have been difficult beyond words. My heart aches unlike any other kind of pain. It's hard being trapped inside these wretched walls where everyone around is trying to destroy each other more than we already are. It's a survival of the fittest and someone like me counts down the days until I won't be able to make it. Every day is another repeated nightmare and the scars on my skin multiply no matter how hard I try to stop it. I spend my time in deep guilt and desperation to turn back the clock. And start our relationship again...

Do you remember the day we met? I was shattered beyond pieces. I had been made to believe I was worthless. I had been used to the treatment of being unloved. For the one whose label was to love me had thrown me into a deep abyss where every breath was torture. Being stripped of my rights and freedom, it all seemed impossible that there was anyone out who could ever understand.
Until the heavens sent down an angel to me.
You.
And for the time in my life, I found unexplainable happiness. You gave love to my broken heart. You were always next to me throughout my life's challenges. Gave me a shoulder to lean on, warmth to snuggle in and was my light in the deepest of tunnels.
You became the reason I fought to stay for another day.

You poured your heart into me, Minji. Showed me unconditional love and never gave up on me. You were the only person who ever understood what I was going through. I don't know how and I don't know why but from the moment I saw you...I knew I could trust you.
You gave me another chance at life. You are gifted Minji with the purest heart and soul. You are a gift.

Someone as sweet and pure hearted as you deserves another who's just as beautiful inside and out. Someone who could shower you with the affection you deserve. Give you happiness and the love you desire. Someone who could give you strength the same way you give it to others. Someone who could remind you daily of how precious you are.
I'm sorry I could not be that person.

That I could not be the one to give you endless support the way you gave to me. That I could not love you in all the right ways which I so desperately wanted to.

I wish I could have been the perfect boyfriend for you.

The way you were the perfect girlfriend for me.

I'm sorry for what I've done to you. I know such simple words have lost their meaning. I know it may not seem like it anymore, but truly, from the bottom of my heart...
I am sorry.

I've spent years lying to you. Since the beginning of our relationship, I did not give my full heart to you. I hid my biggest flaw. The reason for where we stand today.
In my eyes...Telling you about my horrific and intense illnesses would make you run away from me. I spent my life being told by every single person around me that you would leave one day. That you would not love and stay with someone like me. And when repetitive words and thoughts get forced upon the young mind day after day...It grew into beliefs. It made me believe them deep down no matter how hard I tried to throw it away. I had thought, if you will leave me someday...how much faster would you do it if you knew the real monster inside me.

And it tore me. Tore me to pieces. I tried so hard to always believe you. But such deep insecurities and the severity of which my disorders multiply them...caused my inexcusable possessive behaviour. I tried desperately to lock you away from everyone else and keep you with me. My illness created a mask over my mind. And amplified everything that grew in my heart. I could not understand that what I doing was wrong. Deep down...I tried to fight it. Tried to fight against those disorders and the voices in memory of people's words that haunt and wanted to take over me. But in the end, they always won. Which left me out of control...
And you suffered the price for it.

Minji, others may see you as weak for putting up with my intolerable behaviour for so long. Others would have simply left from the very start like the way I expected you to as well. But don't ever think of yourself as weak. You believed in me when I did not believe in myself. You saw through my illnesses when I had never told you of them. Despite how horrible I treated you, you still had faith in me. You knew from the very start it was going to be hard to deal with someone so mentally messed up. And still gave endless love and support knowing I could never have survived this far without it. You saw beneath all those anger outbursts, that little boy who you saved all those years ago. And never gave up on me.
You, Lee Minji, are the strongest woman.

Seeing you is what has kept me going every day of my life. Even until today, knowing that soon I will get to see the love of my life again is what keeps me waking up every morning. Despite that wall that sets us apart, I hang onto every precious second I can spend with you.
But those times are becoming more scarce by the day. I can feel you struggling with all your heart to come to be with me as much as you can. You think that it isn't enough. You think you aren't trying hard enough to be there for me. You think you're not doing your part for me the way you should be...
But you are.
It is enough. In fact...it's everything.

I could never expect you to be coming over here all the time. After all, you now have another special person to be taking of not just me. I desperately desire to be there with you during this special time. To hold your waist and whisper sweet words to our child in the middle of the night. To shower you with extra love and care the way you've always done to me. I've always wanted to have a family with you one day. And now the time has come...but I am no longer able to be with you...

From the bottom of my heart, I wish that our baby will take after you in every aspect.
Your kindness which overwhelms anyone who meets you. Your strength that keeps you fighting through every day. Your beauty which takes my breath away. I wish for our child to inherit everything from their mother.

As much as I desire to be with our child, it isn't safe for me. They need to be protected from me...Maybe one day it will be safe for me to be there. I am doing do my best to recover and rehabilitate as much as I can. I am stuck with my disorders for the rest of my life. However, if all goes well, I can heal and reduce my behaviours as much as I can.
I promise...I'll work hard to fix myself.

But on one condition...
You need to promise me that you will fix yourself too. That you will take your own health seriously from this day forward. I can see the exhaustion in your eyes when we meet. The stress you endure with the chaos of attending work, rushing to be with me and resting for our baby is getting too much for you. I know you're struggling now more than ever Minji. But you are too afraid to admit it. Afraid to feel guilt for not supporting and being here for me enough. But I cannot have you chasing after me and using the last bit of strength and energy left for my sake anymore. You're focusing too much on making sure I'm ok that you're forgetting to keep yourself ok. Yes, I do need you. But things have changed.

I am no longer your top priority.
Our baby is.

Minji, for endless years, you have sacrificed your everything for my sake.

Now, it's my time to sacrifice my everything for you and our child.

I need to let you go.

Take care Minji. Stay healthy. Stay safe. For our baby...For me.

I love you, Princess.

If we are destined for one another
Then one day we shall meet again