A Glimpse Inside My Head

Rant #1

Wow.

I'm such a fucking loser.

Like why did I ever think that I was worth something?

Why did I ever think I was actually something to be proud of?

Why did I ever think someone would love me and stay by my side?

Why am I never enough?

Why am I such a toxic piece of shit who does nothing but push people away?

He wasn't mine so why does it hurt so much to let him go.

He was only a friend.

I was the one who said no to a relationship because I wasn't ready.

So why did it hurt so much?

Why does it hurt still?

It's been two months and honestly, I can't bring myself to believe that things will get better.

That I'll be able to move on and find someone who will actually appreciate me.

I've gone through so much shit that I can't handle it anymore.

I have so little hope for the future.

Especially when it comes to love.

I wish I could just heal myself now and get it over with but I can't.

I want to raise my self-esteem and go out.

I want to enjoy life without him being in the back of my mind...

Why did you have to hurt me so much?

Why did you do this to me?

I don't want to act like a victim when I know I'm always the one who instigates things.

But I can't help but feel so betrayed and broken.

You don't know how much it hurts to have to let you go when you were too much of a coward to do it.

I had to be the one to leave. Not you.

Don't ever say you were the one to leave because you weren't even strong enough to do that for yourself.

I don't want to sound harsh but it's the truth.

Doing it myself to help you ended up killing me.

And even now, after so long, I can't hate you. I bring myself to feel that way.

I just wish things had ended differently.

I'm sorry...

I really am...

All I feel right now is numbness and internal pain.

I feel like I deserve it though.

For being such a shit person.

I've always tried my best to be enough for people but I never am.

I guess I'll never find anyone who'll see any worth in me if there is any worth in me at all.

I wish I wasn't so stupid.

But it's too late for us to talk.

Because you blocked me before I could apologize for anything and everything I ever did to you.

Again...

I'm so sorry...

~A