A Glimpse Inside My Head

Thought #2

I don't see myself as suicidal.

I used to be.

Not too long ago, I was definetly suicidal.

But now...

I don't know what I am.

I don't want to die.

Yet I don't want to be alive.

I'm numb.

Yet I feel so many things.

It's quite an odd thing.

There's so many things going through my head.

I can't concentrate on just one thing.

I can't concentrate on homework.

I can't concentrate in class.

I go from one thing to another without finishing the first.

The things I do aren't even that hard and I have a tough time focusing.

My head just spins in circles.

It goes from one thought to the next in a matter of seconds.

In a conversation I forget what is being talked about.

I forget so many things.

I forget things such as what I ate for breakfast or even things like what I was told to do.

Seconds after I'm told something, I forget it.

My parents get angry at me and tell me that my phone has me in a daze.

It might all just be a part of my depression.

My doctor says it's not all that important.

That I should worry about being safe.

That everything can be pushed aside until my depression subsides.

But what if something else is causing all this?

What if something much more important is making me this way?

What if....

So many 'what if' questions...

He doesn't answer them.

He just doesn't care.

All he wants is his paycheck.

All the appointments are the same.

He says I'm getting better when I know I'm not.

He always asks the same damn questions everytime I go.

'How are you?'

'Any side effects to the medication?'

'How is school?'

'Do you have friends in school?'

Same stupid questions.

He doesn't even question when I say I'm not feeling good.

Or when I say I feel like hurting myself...

All he says is 'put all sharp things like knives out of site and locked away.'

It's so stupid.

He doesn't know that I feel numb.

He doesn't know how often I cry myself to sleep.

He doesn't know how much I want it to be over.

He doesn't ask any further questions.

He just doesn't want to know.

No one really wants to know....

~A