A Glimpse Inside My Head

Confession #1

I remember when I was first kissed.

I don't count it as my first kiss since I was so young.

It was when I was around 7 years old.

I didn't know what was happening.

My cousin at the time was 10 years old.

We had made a fort between two couches and were sitting inside it, just talking.

Then he said, "Why don't you kiss me?"

I didn't know what to say. I had only ever kissed my parents and that was on the cheek.

I gave him a small kiss on the cheek and he frowned.

"No. A kiss in the lips," he said. I then gave him a peck on the lips.

"It needs to be longer," I was hesitant but I did what he asked.

I didn't know why he was asking or if it was okay.

"That's not a real kiss."

"Yeah, it was," I said.

"A real kiss is with tongue," he said and kissed me again.

He shoved his tongue into my mouth and I tried to copy what he did. He pushed my tongue back with his.

I guess he was just trying to be the dominant one.

I felt like something was wrong. Like what we were doing was wrong. I tried to push him back but he grabbed my shoulders and kept me there.

I hadn't closed my eyes yet and I was nearly in tears.

Then the blankets of the fort were lifted and one of my uncles looked in.

My cousin pushed me back and looked at our uncle, hoping he hadn't seen anything but it was too late.

He had seen just enough.

"Hey," he yelled, "Don't do that. That's bad. It's wrong and you are both too young."

I burst into tears. I felt weird and very sad. I felt like I had done the worst thing in the world.

Luckily, for him, no one else was in the living room but the three of us.

My uncle didn't tell anyone. He kept it to himself. He told us he would keep his mouth shut as long as he didn't see anything like it again.

My cousin had traumatized me in a way and he didn't even look at me after. He didn't try and apologize. He didn't talk about it and he acted like nothing happened.

I guess he just forgot about it after awhile but I sure didn't.

I haven't told anyone. I haven't been able to sputter a word out. There's something that keeps me from saying anything.

I don't know if it's just wanting to protect my cousin or if it just being some kind of fear within me.

I still see him.

I see him when he comes over and when we go over to his mom's house. I try not to bother him since he's older and is always playing his video games.

Hell, he did it again when I was 15.

I was scared since we were by ourselves in his room.

He had locked the door and said he wanted to kiss me again like when we were kids.

I agreed only because I was terrified of what he could do to me if I said no.

He didn't notice me become tense or get anxious.

He didn't care.

He just did it. He kissed me the way he did when we were younger until someone came to his house and checked on us.

I faked that I was asleep until they left and still faked it until my parents got there to take me home.

I'm honestly ashamed I let it happen.

I want to tell someone but it's been so many years.

I don't know if it matters anymore...

~A