the spark we lost

13

Sometimes we make decisions that seem right at the time, but later, looking back, we're clearly a mistake. Some decisions are right even in hindsight. Even though everyone told me not to, and even knowing what happened afterward, I'm still glad I moved in with you that snowy day in January.

"He told you he wants to leave," Scarlett said, as we sat on the overstuffed chairs in our breakfast nook, coffee cups on the table in front of us.

"But there's no date," I argued with her. " He doesn't have a job yet. It could take a long time for him to get one. And even if he gets one, who knows how long it'll last? He could be gone for a little while, and then come back."

Scarlett gave me the look I imagine she now uses on the associates in her law firm., the one that says without words: Are you listening to yourself? Do you expect anyone to believe that?

"Even if she gets a job next month," I told her, "even if he's gone for years, I want to spend as much time as I can with him before he goes. I mean, the world could end tomorrow. Or I could get hit by a truck and die a week from Thursday. I want to live in the now."

"Lana," Scarlett said. She ran her fingers along the sliver beaded Tiffany necklace Tom had given her. She'd taken to wearing it everyday. "The problem with living in the now is that it means, by definition, you're not making plans for the future. And the probability that the world will end tomorrow or you'll be hit by a truck is incredibly slim. The probability that Chris will find a job as a photojournalist overseas and break your heart in the process is incredibly high. I'm just trying to help you manage your risk here. It's less risky if you stay."

It was tedious defending my choice to everyone. I'd had a similar conversation with my mother the night before. And my brother Jason a few days before that. Alexis was on board with my decision, but even I knew that she had the most questionable judgement of all of my friends. I'd lost track of the number of men she'd slept with because of her personal "why the hell not" motto.

"The thing is, Scar," I said," I'm already all in, whether I live with Chris or not. So I might as well enjoy myself while he's here."

Scarlett was silent for a moment, then leaned over and hugged me. "Oh,Lana" she said. "I love you no matter what, but.... see if you can figure out a way to Bubble wrap your heart. I have a bad feeling about this."

Scarlett was, of course, right. But at that point, there was nothing I could have done to change our trajectory- yours, mine, ours. I stand by that decision. Even now, I stand by it. I've never felt as alive as I did those five months we lived together. You were life- changing, Chris. I'm glad we made that choice. Free will, despite our fate.