the spark we lost

32

Song- Clay Pigeons by Michael Cera

Tom and I haven't been dating that long- about three months- when I got Jason and Vanessa's wedding invitation in the mail. Jay had told me that I could bring a guest if I wanted, or not, if i wanted. A guy, if i wanted, or Kate or Alexis or Julia if I wanted. Whatever would make me the happiest.

I talked to Kate for hours about this. She offered to come, of course. But the idea of being at my brothers wedding with my childhood best friend instead of a boyfriend makes my insides flip. I could imagine my parents friends looks of pity, and I didn't want to be on the receiving end of those.

I contemplated going alone, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to hold it together the whole night without someone next fo me. You and I had been broken up for seven months at that point, but I couldn't talk about you without my voice catching. I still avoided eating waffles.

"Take Tom," Kate kept saying.

I wasn't sure. "It's only been three months," I told her." I don't know how long this is going to last."

"Only three months?" she said parroted back at me. "How long did you date Chris before you two moved in together?"

"That was different," I said "We'd known each other before." And we loved each other like crazy. I finished in my head. Tom was great, but it wasn't the same.

"Hmph," she said over the phone, sounding like someone's old conservative aunt. "Do you have fun with Tom?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Do you think you'd have fun at your brothers wedding with him?"

I thought about it. "Yeah," I said. " I do."

"Okay," she said. "Case closed. Invite him."

I waited another month until the day before my brother and Vanessa needed to head count for the venue. Then I asked him.

"Really?" he said. "Your brothers wedding?"

I felt my face turn hot. In all my conversations with Kate, I'd always assumed that Tom would want to go. "You don't want to?" I asked.

"No,no!" he said. "I absolutely want to. Yes, I'd love to go to your brothers wedding. Thank you for inviting me. " then he smiled his most genuinely happy smile. The one that looks almost exactly like someone drew a perfect half circle and filled it with two rows of teeth.

"You're welcome," I said. "I think we'll have fun."

He tapped his finger against his lips. " You said one month, right?"

I nodded.

"I know this sounds ridiculous," he said, "but I think it's a sign."

"For what." I asked.

He pokes his hand into his briefcase and pulled out a colorful flyer. "For this!" he said, handing it over. "Someone was giving them out today at the subway stop near my office, and something in me said not to throw it away. It must be providence."

The paper he'd handed me was a coupon for fifty percent off four weeks worth of couples dance classes. Learn to Foxtrot, Cha-Cha, Tango, and Jive!

I started to laugh. "You really want to do this?" I asked him. Never in a million years would you suggest something like this. 

"To be honest," he said," I'm not the very best dancer, but I think this could be hilarious. And fifty percent off! Who can pass up a deal like that?"

He shrugged, and something about the way his shoulders went up to his ears touched my heart. I kissed him. Then I slid my arm around his shoulders and leaned against his head. And it felt so good.

~

After our four weeks of dance classes we weren't much better than when we started. We might have actually been the worst students in the class, but we also might have been the two people having the best time. We cracked up so often that the teacher shushed us all class long, and during the tango lessons she told us we'd have to leave cause we couldn't take the dancing seriously.

~

At the wedding I stood in a line with the rest of the bridesmaids and kept an eye on Tom as the ceremony progressed. He kept looking at his program and at me and once in a while at Jason and Vanessa.

As soon as the reception started, Tom pulled me onto the dance floor and we attempted to foxtrot and tango and cha-cha tripping over each other's feet and laughing. Amid charges-cha, my heel caught on the back of my gown and I pitched forward, tumbling into Toms arms .

"Well," he said," that's one way to get dipped." And then after he helped me back to a standing position, he knelt down and freed my skirt from my heel.

"Thanks," I said to him, as I gathered the fabric in one hand and pulled it up so I wouldn't trip over it again.

"An honor, milady," he said. I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped through my nose .

"So," my uncle George said from where he was standing next to us, taking pictures with one of the disposable cameras Vanessa had placed around the room, "are you two next?"

I felt my face flush and looked over at Tom, hoping that talk like that five months in wasn't going to freak him out, because it absolutely freaked me out. But he just smiled and said," If I'm lucky."

I stilled the panic in my heart. I wasn't ready to think about the future yet. But i couldn't help thinking that whatever woman ended up with Tom would be lucky. I just wasn't sure if I wanted it to be me.