the spark we lost

15

After that story about you and your mom and your birthday kaleidoscope, I understood your desire for grand gestures, for thoughtful, heartfelt celebration. And I matched it. That year we went on a helicopter ride for your birthday at the end of February— and then ate the twenty course tasting menu at the restaurant next to Parm. I'm blanking now on the name, but you know the place. The one where after about after eleven of the courses I was so full that you are a couple of mine— so you ended up with twenty two courses and I ended with eighteen, which was still too many for me. I felt like a snake who'd eaten an alligator for the whole rest of the weekend, but you were happy. You said that your birthday had been properly celebrated. Especially after I went down on you during the taxi ride home.

And the day before my birthday that year you sent me flowers at work— a dozen stargazer lilies. I still have the note that came with them, hidden away with the wrapped up photograph of serenity. Stargazers for my girl filled with starlight. Happy birthday. Happy anniversary. Cant wait till tonight. Love you, Chris.

When I got home, there was a big box on the bed.

"Open it," you said, a huge grin taking over your face.

Inside was a outfit from my favorite store back then—BCBG- the one that I shopped in only when they were having their seventy percent off sales. The top was turquoise silk, sleeveless with a deep V in the front and in the back. And the skirt was short and tight and black.

"I thought this would look great on you," you said. "It's perfect for seeing Apollo at the ballet, and then I thought. . we could go back to Faces and Names. You'll be the sexiest girl in the room."

I threw my arms around in a thank you hug. Your gift was so thoughtful, tailored just for me. I pictured you combing through Time Out New York for the perfect night out, walking into BCBG, feeling slightly out of place, touching silk and satin and imagining it on my body. Choosing a color that would make me glow.

"I'm so lucky," I said. "Really and truly the luckiest girl in the world to be with you."

"I think you got it backward," you said. "I'm the lucky one. I wish I could do more to show you how incredible it is to be here, right now, with you."

"Well," I said, grabbing your belt and tugging you toward me." I might be able to come up with some things you could do."

We didn't even make it to bed that day. And we had the rug burns to prove it.

Lying next to each other, our clothing strewn across the floor, you said," Did you ever imagine that loving someone would feel like this?"

I snuggled closer to you, Your arm tightened around my shoulder. "Never in my wildest dreams," i said.

"It's like your my star, Lana, my sun. Your light, your gravitational pull. . . I don't even know how to say what you mean to me."

"I'd call us a binary star," I said, slowly running my fingers up your thigh. I couldn't keep my hands off you. No self control. " We're orbiting around each other."

"God, Lana," you said. "Your mind is as beautiful as your body." You propped your head on your elbow and faces me. "Do you believe in karma?" you asked.

"Like Hindu karma? Or like, if i steal someone's taxicab, I'll be cursed to suffer the same fate?" I asked back.

You smiled. "There's definitely cab karma in this city , but that's not quite what I'm talking about. It's not Hindu karma either. I guess it's not really karma at all. It's more like. . do you think we get to love each other like this— so much, so strongly— because my dad was an asshole? Is it my reward for living through that? Getting this?" You gestured at both of your naked bodies. " Or does having this now mean that I'll suffer later to make up for it? Do we all get a finite amount of goodness in this world?"

I sat up and shook my head. " I don't think the world works that way," I said. "I think life is just life. We're put in situations and we make choices and that's why things happen the way we do. Taking the current when it serves. It's that old question. The one from Johnson's  class."

You were quiet.

"But you know what I'd like to think?" I continued, to fill the silence. "I'd like to think that it is karma. Hindu karma. That maybe in a past life I did something wonderful for someone and my reward is you in this life . I like that kind of karma better than your side of a finite amount of goodness."

You smiled again, but this time it was rueful. I could tell you didn't believe me. " I like that idea too," you said. "I just. . . worry that it's impossible to have it all, for all parts of a life to be wonderful."

I thought about it. " I think they can be," I said. "Maybe everything all at one, but I think people can end their lives having gotten all that they wanted out of it." And I do believe that, Chris, I still do.

"I hope you're right," you said.

We never talked about it after that, but I got the feeling you still thought that no one person could ever have everything. I wish I could've figured out a way to shift your perspective on that- because what I think you were saying, what you believed, is that you have to sacrifice. This love for that love. at his piece of happiness for that one. It was a theory that shaped your decisions, whether consciously or unconsciously. It was part of what pointed you down the road you traveled, what brought us here.

But I really would like to think that's not the case. That you can have a father who loves you and a girlfriend who does the same. A career that's rewarding, and a personal life that is too. But maybe you'd say that if you have those things, maybe it's your health that will go. Or your finances. Or God knows what else.

Did you ever change your mind, Chris?
I wish you could answer me...