the spark we lost

14

Soon after we moved in together, you signed up for a photography class where your assignment was to capture different feelings or concepts on film. "Capture beauty" was one week— you aced that one, no problem— then "capture sorrow". Happiness and decay and rebirth were definitely in there. I don't remember the order, but I remember you traveling Manhattan with your camera, bundled up in your scarf and hat. Sometimes I tagged along, zipping my coat up to my chin and wearing my warmest earmuffs. A lot of your assignments ended up being pictures of me, like that one you took of me sleeping, my hair dark and tangled against the white pillowcase. It was for serenity, I think. I stills have that picture,framed, wrapped in brown paper in a box under my bed: When I loved in with Darren I couldn't bring myself up to get rid of it. Not even when I married him. Maybe I should unwrap it now, hang it in my office at last. Would you like it?

The assignment you had that day was to capture pain.

"I know where we have to go," you said on that Saturday morning, making sure your camera battery was charged. "Ground Zero."

I shook my head as I ate the last bite of waffle on my plate. Your mom had sent you a waffle maker, remember? She bought it on a whim when she found it on a clearance rack, and we'd made that pact to use it as much as possible. Do you still have it? Did you keep mementos like I did, objects to remind you of our life together? Or did you outgrow us as you traveled, tossing memories out with matchboxes and coffee mugs? I still think about that waffle maker. It was a good waffle maker.

"You can go," I said. "I'm not."

"It's for pain," you said. "For class."

I shook my head again, scraping my fork across the plate to capture the last bit of syrup.

"Your class, not mine," I told you.

"I don't understand," you said. "Why don't you want to go?"

I shuddered. "I just.... I don't need to see it."

"But you do! We need to remember- the people, the ones who died and the ones they left behind, the reasons it happened. All of it. We can't forget."

"I don't need to look at the remains to remember," I said.

"That day, it's part of me. It always will be."

"Then to pay your respects," you said. "Like visiting a grave."

I put my fork down. "Do you really think that the only way to pay your respects to something— or someone- us by visiting the site of the event? The place they're buried? You can't mean that."

You were upset now, but trying not to show it. "No," you said. " I don't. But- I just feel like we're not doing enough. To remember. To understand."

I bit my lip. "Us?" I said.

"Everyone," you answered. Your hands were in fists, thumbs clenched around fingers. "How can we walk around like everything's normal when America's at war with Iraq? When bombs are going off in hotels in Indonesia? When they were here in New York and saw what happened? How come they don't feel it like I do? Why don't they want to do more? Your voice cracked on the last word, and I could see you struggling so hard to keep your emotions in check.

You were right , though. Most people didn't feel it like you did. I didn't. At least not all the time, not every minute. It didn't engulf my mind or capture my heart the way it did yours.

"Maybe they don't need to force themselves to feel pain to know it's there. Just because they're not doing it your way doesn't mean they're not doing it at all. And not wanting to go to Ground Zero doesn't mean I don't care."

I didn't wait for your response. I walked towards the kitchen, bringing the dishes, sticky with maple syrup, with me. The plates were yours, the forks mine— the kitchen was a jumble of us.

I turned on the sink and started washing the dishes, not able to stop the tears that overflowed my cheeks. I knew then, really knew in my heart, that you would leave me one day soon. This dream you had wasn't a someday dream, it was a right now dream. You would never be happy in New York. You would never be happy with me. You needed to confront your disappointment in the world, to work through it, if you were going to end up okay. Even then, I understood that. I just hoped you'd come back.

You walked over so quietly I didn't notice until I heard your camera click. I looked up and you captured me with my eyes full of tears, the instant one started to slip down my cheek.

"Chris!" I said, wiping my eyes with my forearm. I couldn't believe you were taking my picture then. That you were turning our argument into art.

"I know," you said, putting your camera on the counter. You kissed the top of my head, then my eyelids, then my nose, and finally my lips. "I'm sorry. And I know you care. I love you, Lana."

I put the plates down and wrapped my hands around your T-shirt. "You too, Chris," I said. "I love you, too."

You went to Ground Zero that day without me -&: took dozens and dozens of pictures. Because I knew how much it meant to you, I agreed to look through them and help you choose the best shot, even though I kept thinking I smelled that acrid, charred air that floated uptown on September 11th. But in the end, you didn't choose any of them. The picture you handed in for pain was the one of me, washing dishes with tears in my eyes. I never liked that picture.

How would you like it if I took a picture of you now?

HI!! omg sorry for like taking four days off it's cause finals this week and everything. I hate finals. #cancelfinals. anyways i hope u guys have a awesome day and remember to eat and drink today if you didn't.