the spark we lost

20

The morning of the ceremony, I had my hair blown loose and wavy. I'd had my makeup done, too; with tons of eyeliner and mascara and red lipstick that almost matched my dress. When I slipped on the silk sheath, I felt enchanting. And excited. And like everything I'd been working for since college had been truly worth it.

"Brains and beauty," you said with a half smile when you saw me.

"You're not so bad yourself," I responded. You were in a single breasted tuxedo with a vest and a tie, your curls tamed with some kind of gel that you used only on important occasions. It made you smell like you'd just left a hair salon. Sometimes I'll walk by someone and catch that same scent, and it'll throw me back to that day, even now. Has that ever happened to you? Have you ever been rocketed back in time by a scene that made you think of me?

As we made our way to Rockefeller Center that day, as we met up with my colleagues and took our seats, I could tell that your mind was elsewhere. You kept clapping a second after everyone else. You kept looking at me with your bottom lip between your teeth- the face you made when you were thinking about something hard, running it over and over in your mind. What exactly was going on in your head then?

And then our award was up, and we won! I could barely breathe . The air was filled with joy. I imagined my parents watching, both of them crying, my dad pretending he wasn't. I imagined Jason whooping, Katie cheering. Phil pulled me up onstage with him and the rest of the team, and I got stand next to him while he spoke. My smile was so wide I could feel my cheeks stretch. I kept looking right at you in the audience, wanting you to share my happiness, but your eyes were glazed over. You weren't even looking back. For a moment, I wondered what was going on, but then we were all turning and walking off the stage, and when I got back to my seat, right next to yours, you kissed me softly." I love you," you whispered.

We all partied afterward, high on the rush of adrenaline that comes from winning. We danced and drank and laughed and you made small talk with my colleagues wives and boyfriends and fiancé's. But the whole time I could tell you weren't really there.