the spark we lost

8

You eventually did quit your job of course, to take photography classes. And we kept seeing each other, our physical connection getting even stronger the more time we spent together, finding hope, strength in each other's embraces. We undressed in restaurant bathrooms because we couldn't wait til we were home. We crushed each other against the side of buildings, bricks digging into shoulders as our lips met. We took picnics to the park, complete with apple juice bottles full of white wine, and then lay together breathing in the scent of dirt and the fresh- cut grass and each other.

"I want to know more about your dad," I said, a few months after we reconnected, walking eyes-open into a fault line, willing to risk the earthquake.

"Not much to tell," you answered, shifting so my head rested on your chest instead of your arm. Your voice was still light, but I could feel your muscles tense. "He's an asshole."

"An asshole how?" I asked, turning so I could wrap an arm around your stomach, holding you closer. Sometimes I got this feeling that we'd never be close enough. I wanted to climb inside your skin, inside your mind, so I could know there was to know about you.

"My dad was. . . unpredictable," you said slowly, as if choosing that word with the utmost care. " Once I was big enough, I protected my mom"

I picked my head up off your chest and looked at you. I wasn't sure what to say, how much I should ask. I wanted to know what your definition was of "big enough." Four? Ten? Thirteen?

"Oh,Chris," was all I could think of. I'm sorry it wasn't more.

"He and my mom met at art school. She said he was a beautiful sculptor, but I never saw any of his work." You swallowed hard. " He smashed it all- every single piece- right after I was born. He wanted to design monuments, huge installations. But no one was commissioning anything from him, no one was buying his art."

You turned to look at me. " I know it must've been hard for him. I can't imagine. . . " Then you shook your head. " He gave up," you said."He tried to run a gallery. But he wasn't much of a businessman. Or a salesman. He was angry all the time, volatile. I. . . didn't understand what giving up did to him. The power it had. One time, he took a knife to my mother's canvas— a painting she'd been working on for months- because he said she needed to spend her time painting sunsets instead. She cried like it was her body that he'd stabbed, not just her art. That's when he left."

I slipped my hand into yours and held it tight. "How old were you?"

"Nine," you said, your voice soft. "I called the cops."

My childhood had been so different than yours, it was so California. I wasn't sure how to respond. If we were having that conversation now, I would acknowledge the pain— both his and yours. Say that your father clearly had a hard time, that he was fighting demons, and that I'm sorry his demons became yours. Because they did, didn't they?

But that day, I couldn't process what you were saying quickly enough and I just wanted to comfort you. After a breath, what I said was, "You did the right thing."

"I know.," you answered. Your eyes were hard. "I'll never be like him. I'll never hurt you like that. I'll never act like your dreams are disposable."

"Me either. I'll never act like your dreams are disposable either, Gabe," I told you, resting my head back on your chest, kissing you through your t-shirt, trying to convey the depth of my admiration and sympathy.

"I know you won't." You stroked my hair. " It's one of the many, many things I love about you."

I sat up so I was looking at you again.

"I love you, Lana," you said.

It was the first time you said that to me. The first time any man had. "I love you too, Chris." I answered.

I hope you remember that day. It's something I'll never forget.