When Both Our Cars Collide (Frerard)

38: So get me out of my head

"Hey Gerard, long time no see," Dr. Stump greeted me when I stepped into his office nervously.

"Yeah..." I stammered out, taking a seat in the cushy chair in front of his desk.

"So how are things - everything going okay with Frank?" he asked casually. That was one of the reasons I loved Dr. Stump, he remembered everything I told him, even if I hadn't been to see him in ages, and he was easy to talk to, even though I wasn't sure how he could help me with my current dilemma.

"Yeah everything is perfect with him, he has a job now and he's been clean for months," I smiled proudly.

"That's amazing," Dr. Stump exclaimed happily.

"Yeah it really is," I trailed off awkwardly, not quite sure how to bring up the fact that I didn't have a perfect track record anymore.

"So if everything is going so well with him, why did you ask to come see me today?" he pressed gently, and I swallowed hard, trying to force the words past the growing lump in my throat.

"It's my grandma...she's sick...with cancer." That was the first time I had actually managed to say the hateful word that I had been trying so hard to avoid.

"And this is the grandmother you are close to I assume?" Dr. Stump pressed me gently.

"Yeah...I don't even know my other grandma, I can't even remember if I ever met her, and it wouldn't matter anyway; if my dad didn't want to be a part of our lives, then she wouldn't either."

"When did you find this out?" Dr. Stump continued to question me, and I needed the prodding because this will still hard to talk about.

"Just last week, but apparently she has been sick for a long time, years actually." I still couldn't believe I had been clueless the entire time, and even though I understood why my mother chose to keep this information from me, I wished she hadn't, because then I would have had eight years to deal with this knowledge, instead of trying to process it all in the span of a week.

"How did you react when you found out?" I sighed loudly, but I knew I had to tell him, or this whole session would be pointless.

"I ran away, I just stormed out of my mom's house and took off. I ended up on a shitty side of town and...I drank again. Actually I got completely shit faced. I passed out in a random park, Frank had to come find me and bring me home." I hung my head in shame, not wanting to meet Dr. Stump's eyes.

"Why did you turn back to alcohol when you haven't touched it in so long?" His tone wasn't patronizing or condescending, like most people's would be, instead it was simply curious.

"I didn't want to believe what my mother had told me, I wanted to pretend like everything was fine, because it wasn't, fuck - it felt like everything was crumbling down around me, so I thought if I could forget, even just for a little while, I would be okay. I realize now that it was a stupid idea, but I panicked, and I wish I could take it back, but I can't..."

"Have you drank since that night?"

"No, and I don't want to. I hate the way I can't seem to control myself when I drink, and I don't want Frank to have to see me like that ever again." And I really didn't, even though I was terrified by the thought of losing Elena, I didn't want to spiral out of control, not when I had been doing so well.

"I'm proud of you Gerard," Dr. Stump informed me, but I just scoffed rudely.

"Frank said the same thing, and I don't understand why. I fucked up, I'm pathetic. I mean look at me...I am a twenty-five year old who is acting like a child. You shouldn't be complimenting me."