When Both Our Cars Collide (Frerard)

42: We'll say goodbye today

Gerard's POV

The antidepressants helped in the sense that I didn't fall back into my self-imposed silence, and they did make the crushing weight of Elena's death easier to deal with, but I still didn't like them.

I felt off when I took them - fuzzy and not quite there. They tuned down my sadness, but they also lowered my happiness too, until I was residing in a numb state that I was beginning to loathe.

I didn't really enjoy anything, even being with Frank had lost that spark it always had, not that I didn't appreciate his company. I just wasn't interested in going out on dates or cuddling; sex had also lost its appeal - much to Frank's disappointment.

I had told Frank about how I was feeling, and he understood what I meant. He said it sounded similar to how he had been when we were separated; he shut off all of his emotions until he couldn't feel anything, and even though he was functioning, he wasn't really living.

We decided to wean me off of them slowly, with Dr. Stump's approval of course. He agreed with what we wanted to do, so I lowered the dosage each week, until I was off the pills completely.

Thankfully I dealt with it very well, the return of my emotions was a bit hard to manage at first, but it was so much better than how I had been feeling when I was on the pills, so I welcomed it eagerly; pushing down all the sadness and trying to enjoy the good things.

Frank had returned to work now that I was functioning again, and I was motivated to find my own job since I finally had my degree. I had applied to a bunch of places, and I had an interview next week with Cartoon Network as an illustrator, which was basically my dream job. I didn't know if I would get it or not, but it felt good to get myself out there and start a normal routine again.

I had one lingering regret that was bothering me though, and I was determined to fix it before it brought me down again.

I had never truly said goodbye to Elena; I hadn't visited her in the hospital, I hadn't spoken at her funeral, and I hadn't gone to see her grave. I knew it was too late to do anything about most of that now, but I still wanted to go and apologize to her, even though Frank assured me that she understood.

Still - he supported me completely when I told him I wanted him to take me to her grave so I could finally say my last words to her. We still didn't have enough money saved up to buy another car, and I kind of liked having Frank chauffeur me around; driving had always stressed me out, and he told me he didn't mind at all.

We set out on a beautiful Friday afternoon; Frank was off today and he had insisted on coming with, just in case I had another breakdown. He was so protective of me it was adorable, I didn't find it smothering at all because I knew he was just worried about me, and I felt blessed knowing that he cared so much.

By the time we pulled up in front of the cemetery, my nerves were firing up; I had angry butterflies bouncing around in my stomach, and my hands were shaking slightly.

I didn't know why I was feeling this way, I had mostly made my peace with Elena's death, and it wasn't like she was actually going to be here; it was only her physical body that resided under the ground, but I couldn't stop my negative reaction to being here.

"You okay baby?" Frank asked quietly, and I realized I still hadn't moved out of the car, even though he had parked about a minute ago.

"Yeah...I'm okay," I sighed out, clutching the bundle of lilies I had purchased earlier in my hands. They had always been Elena's favorite flower, so I wanted to place some on her grave among the traditional roses.

"I can go with you if you want?" Frank offered warily. We had agreed earlier today that he would wait in the car, because I had wanted to do this on my own, but now I wasn't so sure of my decision.