More

Part 28: Struck

"Max?" She quietly says again from the corner of the kitchen.

My head is swirling right now.

My heart racing like wild horses.

I stare into the sink at the bowl I just broke and I feel ill.

She needed me.

She needed me and yet she didn't want me.

She wanted to spare me.

What kind of man does she think I am?

A weak one apparently.

Her bare feet slowly pad across the floor and as she gets to the edge of the sink- she sees the broken bowl from my old apartment and then looks up at me.

"Max..." Placing a gentle hand on my forearm, she looks at me pleadingly.

"I'm sorry." I say, my voice clipped and I begin to pick up the broken pieces.

"It's alright- it's just a bowl." The more pieces I pick up, the blurrier my eyes become from tears waiting for permission to be released. When I don't answer or respond, she tries to stop my hands from picking up the pieces. "Max, look at me."

She pulls at my face to turn it towards her and she notices my glassy eyes.

"It was your bowl. I'm not mad." She laughs slightly until she notices that I'm still not laughing or smiling. "Baby...what is it?"

Turning towards her, I just drop to my knees and hold her around her torso and rest my face against her stomach- crying and letting my sobs announce themselves. I shake slightly and push my face a bit more into her stomach until I realize that probably hurts her- so I pull away and just sit on the floor with my back against the counter. My knees to my chest, I push my face into them and hug my knees.

Getting down, she pushes my knees down and straddles my legs- pulling my face into her neck.

"I'm sorry..." I say again as she rubs my back.

"Max you have nothing to be sorry f..."

"I should've been there...I should've been there for you." I feel her slightly loosen her hold on me just a bit. "I should've used...protection or...pulled out- so maybe you wouldn't feel...feel so horrible. I'm sorry...I...I shouldn't be a mess...like this...I shouldn't be this upset because...I have...I have not right to be- Helen, I'm sorry..."

Sighing, she pulls me close to her body again and just squeezes me.

"I...I hate myself for...for saying what I did... in the bathroom. I hate it...it makes me sick...I'm so sorry..."

"Shh...enough now. Enough." She forcefully pulls my face to look up at her. Her tone was serious and a bit angered. She searches my eyes before kissing my lips a few times. It doesn't calm me though. It doesn't make me feel any better. My hands hold her sides near her ribs and I try to calm myself- I really do, but it's not working.

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop. Please...just stop." She frustratedly cries as she presses her lips to my forehead. "You're allowed to be upset. I didn't tell you and that wasn't right of me. I don't get to pretend that this doesn't effect you either. Darling, I love you. I do. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. A part of me knew it wasn't going to work and I...I didn't want to tell you and then lose it and just...ruin all of this....but I guess I did anyway."

I kiss her repeatedly and my tears slowly stop falling.

"You didn't ruin anything. You didn't. Honey, you didn't." As we sit there and hold each other, Deece comes clomping over and hoops Helen with his nose. She jumps slightly, before noticing his little wagging tail.