Frequencies [UNDER HEAVY EDITING]

March 18th '1 - Under editing

The harsh, loud dial tone told me the call had ended, sharp and finite against my ear. Fighting to find my breath, all the muscles in my body tensed up to the point that I could hardly move anymore.

How on earth could this happen? Did life hate me or something? Why was it always me that got the shit parts of life? I knew it was unfair to think that way, everyone got shit sometimes, but all I could think was,

This can't be can't be can't be can't be can't be - shit.

I just couldn't breathe. I was constantly fighting to find air but it felt like I was sucked into a vacuum with no way of escape. I was drowning in nothingness and yet I was still alive. Tears threatened to spill over my eyes, glorious and wet, and I did the only thing I could. I ran.

I left the school without looking back of it, feet pounding on the ground, trying to escape what I knew I couldn't. My backpack was slung over my shoulders as I ran, but had I left my coat in the classroom and didn't sign out either. I just needed to get away, away, away.

This can't be.

This can't be can't be can't be.

I ran. I ran as far I could go and even further than that, even as my legs ached and my feet screamed in pain. Rain mingled with my tears and soaked me to my skin. I didn't know where I was going, nor did I pay attention to where I was either, if anything, I needed to get lost. When I eventually just couldn't run anymore, I walked. I tried to let the rain wash away the pain that could not be taken, while every memory of those awful moments returned and hit me with full force.

Cramming my eyes shut, I tried to push away all the images that had burned itself back into my eyelids a little over a year ago, but it was of no use. There was no escaping. I wandered around in the dark of my closed eyes for a while and when I opened them again, I found myself in front of my own house on the middle of the road. A car honked as it swerved past me, but I ignored it.

I felt like I'd been out for hours. By now, my clothes were soaked and I felt kind of relieved seeing that Sophine had left a note on the counter saying she was to a friend. One look at the clock told me I had been walking for hours and I didn't want her to see me like this. Not when the pain had taken complete control of me. I should be the one in control of my own pain.

And instantly there it was again, itching under my skin, tingling in my fingers. The urge that I hadn't felt for so, so long. It was even stronger than the first time and I had to obey to its call, all my walls down and weak.

I ran up the stairs in panic and distress. Up in my room, I walked in one straight line to the left bottom drawer of my closet and pulled it open. With hands that were shaking uncontrollably, I shoved the underwear aside, finding it right where I'd thrown it in last time, when I did have the power to fight back.

The silver blade shone as bright as ever, dried flakes of crusty red blood in the handle. I picked it up quickly, and took it to my bed. In routine movements, I place the towel with the bloodstains from so long ago on my lap, putting my right arm on top of it.

With my furiously shaking left hand, I picked up the knife and searched for a spot of fresh skin between all the scars. If I did it there, I just had to dodge Sophine this week and I would get by unnoticed. The cold metal stung on my skin when I slowly placed it down, tears still skipping between my eye lashes.

I am going to take control of my own pain.

Do it. The demanding voice echoed through my head. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to push down and the blade to split my skin.

"Don't do it."

My head jumped up to see a slightly panting Luke in the door opening, looking like he'd actually just run here. His clear blue eyes were trained on the knife to my arm and were filled with panic and worry, together with a large part of a determination to end it.

"Don't do this Becky, please don't."

Do it.

I started to shake. I couldn't fight this urge, couldn't resist, but neither could I do it with Luke right here, watching my every move.

With a furious yell, I yanked the knife away from my bare skin and flung it across the room into the opposite corner, curling up to a ball on my bed, shaking feverishly.

Within milliseconds, Luke had scooted over and pulled me into his chest. The warm arms around me and the comfort he gave me were the last straws for me to scream everything out. I yelled profanities into his shirt and kicked the ground, body spasming completely beyond control. And all Luke did in response was hold me tighter.

When I had slowly calmed down, still sobbing slightly into his chest, his hand carefully grabbed my chin to lift my eyes to his.

"Why?"

Why? Good question. I'd kept this locked away for so long, let this control my actions for so long, I had to tell him. Sooner or later it would've come out, anyway. Why would I refuse his help even longer? If anyone would understand, it was Luke.

"Let me make some calls first." I breathed, and he eyed me suspiciously. "I'm not gonna do anything, I swear! You can watch me if you want to!" He just nodded, eyes worried.

The whole time I was on the phone, his gaze was focused on my back worriedly. But instead of being annoyed, I felt glad. It was nice to know my best friend cared.

After I was done, we went downstairs first, away from the horrible knife that now teasing stuck out of my bedroom wall. Luke had forced me to change out of my wet clothes into lazy clothing, and now stuffed a cup of hot tea with honey in my hands. Before he could start asking questions, I started blubbering,

"I wasn't always like this y'know? I used to be a real girl, with sun dresses and flowers in my long blond hair. Hell, I used to be friends with Maddison. We were a perfect little family, me, Sophine, my mum and my dad. But one day, dad came home drunk. Out of nothing he beat up my mom, and hit me in the face when I tried standing up for her. I'd just turned 16. It went pretty much downhill from there. The sweet father I'd known was gone in a week. He beat us up on daily basis, mostly me and my mum because I managed to protect Soph from most of it. She didn't deserve to suffer through that. Meanwhile, I'd started to wear turtlenecks and long sleeves to hide the bruises that piece of filth left on me. Not long after, I got kicked out of Maddison's crowd because I wasn't happy and fashionable enough anymore. I was called worser thing than you could've imagined and if only they knew how things really were..." I spat my words out bitterly, occasionally sipping the tea. Only now came the hard part and I took a big breath before continuing

"Then, one night, Dad came home and it was worse than ever - drunk, stoned and who knows what he was on. He decided that Sophine deserved a beat up for some reason and I just couldn't, couldn't let that happen, so I fought back. Imagine; a weak, 16 year old girl against a 40 year old athletic ex-quarterback. He grabbed me in a lock position and - and sexually abused me. He took my first time like it was nothing. My own monstrous father took my V-card." My voice failed me for a while and I stared to the wall, Luke placing an arm over my shoulder. My virginity wasn't something that meant a lot to me, but it was just the brutality of the act, the monstrosity of a father taking his own daughter that hurt so much. I'd cried the entire night and the days after.

"Weeks later, while he was forcing me to do things with his, you know what, the police came in. I don't know who called them, but I am forever grateful for it. My father was sent to jail. I was holding it together. Me, mom and Soph, the three of us were still a family, he hadn't belonged to it anymore for months. But it all changed when my mother broke down. She left on a "short" vacation to "reunite with her soul." That was seven months ago. She never came back. And that was when I lost it. I cut for feeling worthless, I drank to forget, I drugged to feel somewhat happy. I went in to the gang. And then,  about a year ago, I decided to end my miserable life. Right when I was about to kill myself, Sophine walked in on me. She saved my from myself."

Luke, who for now had only had nodded along with the story, turned his gaze towards mine and asked; "So what made you tick now?"

Made me tick, that was a nice expression. I took a deep breath "My dad. He's being released from prison."