Bruised In Silence

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Hindi ko alam kong paano ko papatahanin ang sarili ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pipigilan ang bawat luhang dumadaloy mula sa aking mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko kakayanin ang bawat masasakit na pagkabog ng dibdib ko. I covered my face using my palm as I cry really hard. Palagi kong tinatanong ang sarili ko kung paano ko makakalimutan lahat ng masasamang karanasang dinaranas ko.

I blamed my parents for all those ugly things that happened to me. I blamed them because if they didn't leave me I wouldn't experience all of those. Not only that, but I blamed them for making me feel alone. I blamed them.

As a child palaging dumadating sa point na iisipin natin kung bakit tayo pinanganak ng magulang natin kung iiwan at sasaktan lang naman nila tayo. Hindi naman natin hiniling na mabuhay! Na sana tinapon nalang tayo sa kumot! HAHAHA

At the end of those blames and what ifs. We're still going to thank them for bringing us in this world. That after everything they choose to keep us alive than died.

Akala ko dahil pinili kong magpagamot ay tuluyan na talaga akong gumaling. Akala ko tuluyan ng humupa ngunit hindi pa pala.

I thought I regain myself back slowly, but right now, I think I'm lost again. I think I lost my sanity... the touches of those men still sent a shiver to my body. I can't stop myself from trembling.

What if... hindi dumating ang mga kaibigan ko? What if... mangyare na naman ulit? What if... what if...

"Mara..." and if they won't accept me for who I am, I think I'll lost myself more.

Si Cammi ang unang nakapagsalita sa kanila pagkatapos kong sabihin ang mga salitang matagal ko ng tinatago.

I keep telling myself that it's okay if they choose to leave me. It's okay because I'm used to be alone. I deserve it.

Hindi ko matingnan ang bawat isa sa kanila natatakot na baka may pandidire akong makita ang mas lalo akong masaktan kahit nasasaktan na ako.

"I know you'll leave me. Leave now." matigas kong sabi ngunit naramdaman ko ang mahihigpit nilang yakap sa akin. Ang pilit kong pinatatag na kalooban ay nabali. Mas lalong bumuhos ang luha ko dahil sa mga yakap nila. They make me feel that I'm not alone even if I already feel it. Na andyan sila. Hindi sila nandidire. Hindi nila ako tatalikuran.

"You k-know how it hurts to pretend that I'm okay. That everything's fine. That I am happy, but d-deep inside... I'm d-drowning."  nasasaktan kong sabi at natawa ng mahina. Narinig ko ang mahihinang hikbi ni Bella at Rian. Ang pagsinghot ni Cammi at Yna.

And I know... Ella would cry for me too.

She would cry for me.

"Naalala ko pa kung paano... kung paano ako magpanggap na akala m-mo v-virgin hindi na pala! Hahaha..."

"D-Dont say that... It hurts more..." narinig kong bulong ni Rian at mas siniksik ang mukha niya sa balikat ko.

"You're not disgusting! Hindi nakakadire ang mga katulad ko! Ang nakakadire ay yung mga taong nag te-take advantage sa mga babaeng katulad natin!" Cammi shouted angrily.

Yeah, fuck you to the men who doesn't know how to respect a woman. Fuck you to the men who takes advantage... who only want to get inside our pants. Fuck you for thinking ill of us! Fuck all of you! It doesn't mean we're drunk, wear clothes that show off our skin, and talk boldly gives you fucking rights to disrespect us! To rape us! To assault us!

Women are not weak! Women are not slave of man. Girls are not for sex and home only. We can do what a man can do. We are as strong as stone, but as soft as cotton if we want too.