Serenity [Book 2]

Chapter 22: overthinking

I loved him even though he didn't deserve my love.

He was the longest lesson I ever had to endure, but I eventually learnt my self worth. With time. Too much time.

I won't take the same lesson twice, though. I learnt from that.

He took everything from me. He broke me down, chewed me up and spat me out. He made me feel so insecure. He made me paranoid. He was the person I expected would be there for me, but instead he was out with another girl while I was in bed, grieving our baby.

Chris was a four-year-long lesson; a heartbreaking one at that. In the end I walked away, diploma in hand and one stray tear on my cheek.

I never thought a breakup could feel so... relieving.

I was a naive teenager, grasping onto anything that boy would give me. From an outside perspective, people may think I'm stupid; they may not understand how and why I stayed with him for as long as I did. But honestly? Honestly, the manipulation was drowning me. The gaslighting. The lying. The cheating.

He made me believe I was the one in the wrong.

I won't allow that to happen ever again.

Being in a relationship like that is time consuming, it's purely exhausting.

Ethan was my breath of fresh air. He was the first man - relationship wise - that I trusted after Chris. On my darkest days, he was there. He was the first man I have truly ever loved. Ethan is... bright. He was the light in my darkness - a light I so desperately needed.

His presence gives me simple comfort. We could be having a silent phone call and I know everything will be somewhat okay because he is there. I can sleep at night and I know I'm safe with him. Ethan is my savior, as I am his nirvana.

It's been two days since his fight on Saturday night. I went back to his apartment and slept with him even though my gut-feeling was telling me not to. Once Ethan fell asleep, I snuck out of bed, locked the bathroom door, dropped to the floor and cried. I sobbed my fucking heart out. I cried so hard that I threw up unintentionally.

For two days I've had Chelsea Jones' name spiralling my mind, and what's made this worse was that Ethan had the chance to tell me about her, but instead he lied.

There are so many types of lies in the world. Lies that you tell to protect the other. Lies to be vindictive and torment someone. White lies that are silly, little things. There are lies that you tell children, like Santa and The Easter Bunny. The big lies, however, the ones that cause impact, the ones that make your heart clench - they're the lies I can't shrug off and joke about.

I believe that once you've been cheated on in the past, once you've gone through a relationship with secrets, lies and manipulation, that you form a certain kind of PTSD. I hate even putting Chris and Ethan in the same space in my head, but every doubt that I've ever had has surfaced and it's breaking me slowly.

Questions like; is this the start to something similar with what I had with Chris? They make me feel so fucking guilty. I hate thinking so bad of Ethan, because he isn't him. He is nothing like him. I won't let myself fall for the same bullshit Chris used to sell me, though.

My mind has spiralled from one lie. This is what happens, and I feel so fucking lost.

I feel alone again.

Loneliness is so overwhelming. As I once said to Ethan, you can be in a crowded room and still feel lonely. I feel like there's a massive weight on my chest. I'm paranoid. I'm insecure. I don't know what to do.