A Ruby's Glow (Thorin Oakenshield x OC)

1. Long and Dark Nights

I laid there, on the thin blanket under me that smells like dust and ash, the cold stone floor beneath me with a thicker blanket bundled around me for warmth, a pillow that smells like dust under my head. I looked dully at the flickering flames in the hearth to the left side of what is now my room, the orange and gold flames flickering and throwing light against the stone walls on the very empty room.

I could feel cold wood against my bare toes, one of the supports of the bed I cannot use. When you spent a good century sleeping on the ground, be it rock, snow, or grass, with the rare chances of staying in a pub with smelly old beds and mattresses like bricks? You get used to the lack of having a soft bed. I can't sleep in that thing, I feel like it's swallowing me. And it does not help my night terrors.

I buried my face in the cloak I have bundled up near my face as I took a deep breath of the scent clinging to the cloth and furs. It honestly embarrassed me that now this is the only thing that gives me enough peace to sleep, not that I would ever let him know the truth. The scent of wood, leather, pipeweed, smoke, and a male scent filled my senses and calmed my mind, clearing it of thoughts of my recent horrors as well as the revelations of my younger years of life. My mind was filled with memories of a beautiful meadow and tales of pub fights I got into as he brushes his fingers through my hair...

I sighed sadly as even this could not let me find rest. Sleep has been my most difficult challenge. I am stronger than this and refuse to be seen as weak in the eyes of the dwarves of Erebor so I promised to myself that I would get myself under control and start acting like I should. I have done a rather great job of putting on a front, if I do say so myself. Most, if not all, of the Company believe me to be doing okay and not even a week has passed since Bilbo and Gandalf departed back to The Shire. 

At first it wasn't... easy. But I am stronger than this, and, even though finding that strength again was a difficulty, I did and reinforced in my mind that I am a warrior and warriors do not cry or back away from battle. This is merely a battle of a different kind. A battle against my emotions, a battle against my fears, my memories. Memories return more and more every day, clearer, brighter, and more heartbreaking than ever now that I can remember them with clarity, and know the truth of what happened to my home, my family.

I growled to myself as I shook off the blankets and stood, my feet touching the cold stone floors as I picked up Thorin's cloak and wrapped it around myself, aware that sleep will not come to me tonight. I fear I am becoming a bit of an Insomniac, but if I am I won't ask for help, not even from Tauriel. I felt kind of bad for Tauriel. The only reason she is allowed to stay in the mountain is to help me in my 'condition'. Often she doesn't help me at all because I don't let her. I am a strong and independent warrior woman and I can care for myself. But I don't want to be the cause of seeing that hidden love and hope in Kili's eyes fade to longing and sadness. I refuse to be that. So, I let Tauriel think she is helping by letting her stay by my side during the days until I ditch her around someone I know will not be harsh or mean to the elf. 

I walked to the fire, holding out my hands to it for a moment to warm them before making my way to the dresser and the few sets of clothes laid out on it. After Gandalf and Bilbo left to return to The Shire, Thorin announced officially to all the dwarves within Erebor, now that the women and children that camped farther down the path to the Ironhills are here, that I am the one he is courting. 

I frowned to myself as I picked out a set of socks and sat on a stone chair, pulling them over my cold feet. The way Thorin stated that was rather strange, once more making me think about my subtle suspicions of what finding love among the dwarves truly means. Clearly, whatever it is, it is a closely guarded secret. I may never know, but I am just grateful right now to have Thorin's love.