A Ruby's Glow (Thorin Oakenshield x OC)

4. Forced Silence

THWACK!

I grinned as the dummy crumbled to the floor, a deep cut in the tough stone like material of the goblin shaped dummy's side as I reached down and picked it up, placing the dummy back on it's stool as I stepped back, spinning and twisting my sword in many complex movements, one way to test and keep my grip frim but not to hard of a grip. It's calming to me, training, the one time during the day, beyond when I am around Thorin, that forces my mind to focus only on the familiar movements and on planning different, new ways of using as sword. Of course I was taking it easy with my still healing wounds, but it's therapeutic.

At the same time though... it felt wrong. I kept looking to my shoulder, looking to the nooks and cranny's in the walls, to the scones for torches... to see nothing there, no croak of happiness, no ruffling of feathers...

As calming as training made me feel, I couldn't seem to go anywhere, do anything, without being reminded of my raven. I felt... so alone when I was actually by myself, lost in my thoughts. Fa-.... my raven, was very good at pulling me from deeper, darker thoughts before they grew out of control. Now, no one is there to do so.

I... I'm lonely. I can hardly talk at the best of times, and I have no one to tell of my pains, my fears, my worries, my lost feelings and the heavy weight on my shoulders and head that seemed to grow heavier every single day... If... if Fai-... I can't even think his name without nearly breaking down into silent tears and I refuse to do that in such a public place. But, without him, I feel a bit like I am locked away from the world, walls raised around me to make everything seem like it is normal, but slowly spiraling down into a dark place in my mind.

I sighed as I smacked my forehead and shook my head, standing up and practicing moves once more, waiting for Fili and Kili to arrive for their bet. I really wanted to get the training over so I can stop being haunted by the phantom in my own mind of my raven.

I attacked the dummy until it's arm fell off before stepping back, hissing quietly to myself as the sutures in my arm from one of the stubbornly not healing cuts tugged slightly at the skin. I grumbled quietly to myself, understanding I shouldn't push it. The guards at the entryway of the training room watched me without speaking a word as I sat down on the same bench I sat with Thorin when he trained me to fight with armor before the battle. A pleasant memory, among all the ones that have been tormenting me.

I pulled a book Ori gave me out of my pocket. The young dwarf loves to read, and to write, and after the events of the battle... he gave me this book, telling me to write or draw what I remember of my past, so I never loose it.

It was such a thoughtful gift I nearly cried in front of the young dwarf like a damsil in distress, which I was angry at myself for. Still, I wasn't about to let such a thoughtful gift go to waste as I pulled free the charcoal pencil he gave me as well, a clearly well made pencil as it wrote quite well, even if my handwriting looks horrible.

Writing was not my strong suit.

Still, felt good to put my memories of the past to paper.

Going on day 6 since the reveal of my past, and still so much returns to me in every little sight and sound. I spent 10 years of my young life in Vecaleen, 10 years of memories that are returning to me, bit by bit. Today I smelled the scent of sweet bread Bombur was cooking as I walked by the kitchens, the scent triggered a rather powerful memory for me of a market. It was unlike any market I had ever seen, trees the size of the towers in Dale stood everywhere, ferns the size of actual trees, and some of the trees were as big as small mountains seen through the tall trees. The light filtering down through the leaves was green, vines hanging everywhere... a short people dotting streets made of darker dry material than the wet dirt on the sides. Some of the market buildings were up in different stages of the trees, some were on the ground. The large vines, about as big around as me, had wood steps and rope hand holds attached to them, a kingdom of such uniqueness I wonder if it is all in my imagination...