A Ruby's Glow (Thorin Oakenshield x OC)

8. Depressed

I opened my eyes and stared at the crystals in the ceiling, sighing. Another day, another morning. A week and a half. That is all the time that has passed since Gandalf and Bilbo left, heck Bilbo and Gandalf probably haven't even reached Beorn's Hut yet. A week and a half. It's felt like several weeks, each hour dragging...

The good points, those with my new brothers, with the Company, with Thorin, speeding on by. Sadly, I am not always with the Company. Fili and Kili recently joined Thorin in learning how to care for and tend to the mountain, spending many hours in the Council meetings with Thorin. Nori, of course, is busy checking everything that comes into the mountain and every word he hears, forming his own group of trustworthy dwarves to be his eyes and ears for anything amiss in the mountain. Dori took up building I heard, the dwarf and I didn't speak much on the journey, so out of all of the company I know him the least. Ori is now a scribe for Thorin. Balin is Thorin's advisor. Dwalin is now the Head Guard and also required in council meetings. Oin is very busy with healing. Bombur is Erebor's main chef, and helps on the side with Bifur's toy shop. Bifur's busy setting up said toy shop along with Bofur until the mines reopen, then Bofur will be working in the mines....

Everyone has a job, everyone has a duty. Heck Oin recently pulled Tauriel into helping him with healing, and it was improving how the dwarves of Erebor look at her, after she saved a young dwarf who has been on his death bed since the battle ended. Seeing an ability to prove herself of no harm, Tauriel asked how I was doing.

I lied, told her my mental health is fine, that I think I am improving. She accepted this and began to help Oin in tending to sick and injured dwarves. A good amount of the dwarves don't glare at her anymore. Some actually give her a quick, awkward nod of the head as though to say hello.

Everyone has a duty.

Me?

I don't know what the heck to do anymore. I stayed in bed, staring blankly at the crystals slowly letting in more light as I sighed, closing my eyes. Thorin is probably going to worry, not seeing me waiting for him at the stairs as usual but... I just didn't have the energy to today. The only things I am good at are fighting, some minor leatherworking, and a bit of carving animals from wood. I never trained to do anything else, or I never really tried.

What use am I to the people within this mountain except as another mouth to feed? I laid there, not moving an inch as the crystal grew brighter, closing my eyes tightly as I heard Thorin heavy door open above. Minutes passed. Minutes more. I peeked open an eyes and looked at the door, wondering if he would knock, wondering if he was worried. Wondering, worrying, sad, depressed.

I can't deny it anymore, I'm... I'm depressed. I closed my eyes as a few tears escaped, remembering the dream I had last night that is the cause for my current mood...

I stared fearfully up into proud and stern, yet loving grey blue eyes staring into my own as my father kissed my forehead, hugging me close before setting me gently down in the barrel, cupping my cheek with such pain and grief in his eyes, tears visible.

"Live Long and Live Well, My Greatest Creation." Dragx whispered as he pulled his hand away, leaving a letter tucked into my hand as he picked up the lid and secured it over the barrel as I bit my tongue to avoid crying out in fear at the dark. I promised Da I would be brave, I will be brave. For him, I will be brave, and never stop being brave.

I didn't cry once as the barrel was kicked into the turbulent waters.

I opened my eyes, feeling tears trickle out of the edges of my eyes as my heart clenched painfully around the empty hole in my heart that, after learning the truth, seemed so jagged and torn. I turned over on the bed, wrapping my arms tightly around my chest as the pain radiated outwards.