water droplets //dnf//

never

‼️‼️: scars, blood

I brought myself to answer the questions.

After hours of sitting in the gray room, I felt like I owed it to George. I need to see him as soon as possible. Even if it's not good for me.

They got what they needed. I watched as their judging faces heard my sob story. I could feel their derogatory stares. I could tell what they thought about George. And I needed to get out.

One of the officers gave me a ride to the hospital. And although I was able to talk now, the tears didn't slow. My facial expression was emotionless, but the tears just wouldn't stop.

Another stranger walked me to the morgue. It was a dreary place. Full of people grieving and hurting, while bodies just sit there.

She takes me to a room, makes me sit down in case I pass out. The chair is cold, and fairly uncomfortable like the one in the interrogation room.

I feel my legs bouncing and my hands keep fidgeting, anticipation filling my body. But as the door peaks open, I freeze.

The lady has gatch bed behind her. The silhouette was faint but even from afar I could tell it was George. I rush to my feet and eagerly wait for her to bring in the bed.

As the gatch gets pulled closer, he become clearer. His face is covered with the blanket, so with the lady's permission, I pull down the blanket.

The small brush of wind crossing my face it cold. Sharp. Painful. I can't believe he has to live this cold. Well, die this cold.

His skin, so bruised and bright. Small scars and faint stains of blood. Proof of his precarious situation. He looked different with the bruises, yet all too familiar. He looks hurt.

But he... he is so perfect.

Tear drops fall on his neck as I hover over him and admire him, probably for the last time.

I'll never get to see his eyes again; how they change color often depending on the light. The way be think crossing his eyes is the funniest thing.

He is so pale. I'll never get to see the way his cheeks burn a bright red when I say something remotely flattering.

I'll never get to do his eyeliner again. Or give him little pecks until he falls asleep. Well never listen to music together again. Or hug, I'll never get to hug George again.

I want to do all the things we haven't. Do all the thing we have done again. I want to do everything with George.

My hands run through the hair I once knew so well. The hair I used to consider a home, when I needed comfort. The locks are a stress relief as I twisted and braided random sections. I used to. I once knew it so well.

I back away from the cart, a long look at the beauty in front of me gives me an idea. I quickly grab my phone, a playlist, our playlist.

The song fades in as I step closer to George.

I pull down the blanket farther, exposing his hands laying on his chest.

When I interlock out fingers, it's not the same as always. His hands are cold and unwanting. He doesn't need me anymore.

I know he doesn't feel it. I know he's not conscious. I know he doesn't need it. But I do.

My thumb rubs his hand, trying to bring back any warmth. My eyes scan his body. His marks are all there.

I wonder what they thought his scars were.

This is real.

I'm in a room, with my dead boyfriend. I can sit here and admire him all day, but it's not doing anything. My eyes scan back up to his face.

"g-george.

you know i love you right? it didn't stop, it never stopped babe. i never stopped loving you.

the letters didn't- well they helped. but not with the pain. george you left me.

it was the only option you thought of.. but i'm right here. i was right there.

i should've listened.

i thought i understood you, i thought our minds were connected, we shared thoughts. i thought i knew you. and now i'll never know. i'll never know the things i wanted know. like whether or not you like your popcorn sweet or savory, and your favorite pasta. it's stupid i know, but i wanted to know these things.

maybe.. it's my fault. i wasn't listening. was i not listening? now i'll never know george. hey i really do love you. and in your note, where you said you want me to have a family.. what the fuck was that.. you were my family. you were going to be- you were going to be. my. family.

forever and always ill be with you. but now i have to be here like this. i won't find someone new, i'll be coming to your grave everyday. i'll be talking to you everyday. i cant have a future without you george."

I pull my hand away from his for the last timeZ I wish I could keep holding them, if I had the will power I would. If I could deal with the freezing skin, I would. But it's all so different.

Without looking I pull the sheets up, once again covering his chest.

"george you're mine, my boyfriend. i was hoping soon to be husband. i was really hoping."

I felt my first smile forming, my first smile in a long time.

"you know i could never be mad at you. it may seem like it but i'm just mad at myself. i wish it could've gone different george. i wish i could be hugging you right now, i wish i could give you a kiss and tell you everything is alright.

because i hope it will be. i hope it'll be alright george."

I wished nothing more than for George to just talk back. Joke around with me and call me an idiot until I wheeze from his remarks.

But it never happened.

I wanted my last moments with him to be sweet, loving, gentle. Like the movies.

But I'm a mess, who is angry at the world and I'm lashing out on him. It's unfair to all of us.

"sir.. are you ready now?"

I look up to the nurse, she seems exhausted.

"yes just- one second"

I want everything to be okay. I want us to leave here like nothing happened so we can go back home and cuddle for hours. But I can't.

I lean down, placing my last kiss onto George forehead; my tears streaming down onto his fragile skin. Always so beautiful.

"you really were my soulmate george. it's not the perfect ending but, i'll try my best."

The nurse can tell I'm ready, she stands up and proceeds to the door, hand on the latch. I follow her and take one last look at my best friend, my boyfriend, my perfect partner.

"i'm sorry we couldn't do it george, you were too strong. maybe we will someday, we'll work somewhere in another time... forever and always, george. forever and always."

Before I crack I stepped out of the room. My breathing getting heavy. I feel a weight lifted off my chest as I exit the room but at the same time, everything feels heavier.

It hurts to move and breath. It hurts without him. It's impossible without him.

I knew he was vital to my life.

I've been surviving because of him. For him.

But, now that my main reason, my main person is gone. It's nothing but pain.